Writing is everything to me. It is the most natural way for me to connect to my spirit. I write to myself at least six times a day. Sometimes publishing what I write to myself makes me nervous because I have no idea how others will receive it. Doing anything that exposes your spirit in front of “other people” can be nerve-racking whether it is writing, singing (I am definitely tone-deaf), painting, building, engineering, designing, sharing, imagining, loving, giving, etc. can be scary because you are being so vulnerable.

We all have something that allows our spirit to come through. That something can be the most healing thing to yourself or anyone you share it with. What makes it the most exquisite is when it is absolutely true to you. I have been able to discover so much about myself through writing and that is because no matter where I am writing e.g. journal, this space, etc. I am always writing to myself. Sometimes I look back on things I have written and I cringe for a moment wondering what I was thinking. I think that is natural because we all do “cringeworthy” things sometimes when we outgrow ourselves. I never regret anything I have written because I was writing to and for myself. Anything I have ever written has been for me. I have always been communicating to whatever it is I want to cleanse, bless, heal, and love within myself. That changes over time. What I wrote a year ago doesn’t fit anymore, hence “the cringing”. It always passes. I write to love different aspects of myself at different times. What could you possibly regret about that?

It isn’t all about writing. Writing is an essential part of my life, but as I said, it could really be anything. There is an incredible amount of Love* within ever single one of us. Love just moves through us with ease in different ways. How does Love move through you?

If you don’t know the answer, pay attention to when you feel the most ease and grace. It has something to do with that. The most mysterious and truly stunning part is: it is infinitely unique to you. No I don’t mean that I own “writing”, however, when I am writing to myself it is like my own fingerprint. I have never found anything like it and that is why I do it so often. When I need some compassion or patience, I find it hard to go to another person because it is not exactly what I am looking for. It isn’t their fault and it doesn’t mean that they aren’t compassionate, patient, or empathetic enough. They do their best to help. We are all just so infinitely complex that it would be hard for they to have the exact medicine that I need. I also can’t fathom putting that responsibility on them. That can be hurtful to the both of us. So what do I do? You guessed it. If there is any time that I feel out of balance, sad, angry, loving, confused, happy, etc. I write to myself. I take it upon myself to send that love and healing to myself. I don’t think my way would work for everyone. As long as I am honest and allowing Love to move through me, I get the medicine that I need.

What about all of our healers in the world? Don’t worry. I am not trying to diminish the value of reiki practitioners, essential oil experts, shamans, pediatricians, surgeons, numerologists, gynecologists, crystals, akashic record readers, singing bowls, dentists, tarot readers, astrologists, friends, family, past life regression-ists, chiropractors (what do they even do?), psychics, mediums, and acupuncturists. They all have their place. Let this thought challenge you a bit: when was the last time anyone else gave you exactly what you needed and you never had to go see them again? I am fortunate enough to be able to go to the doctor every year and I am not trying to replace my doctor or dentist with writing. If I have an allergic reaction, I am taking Benadryl. Maybe I can write about it after. Still, we give so much of our power away without even a second thought because we are so used to doing it.

A couple weeks ago I did have a medicine reading* and it was amazing. The reason I was so blown away was because after letting it sit with me for awhile I realized that I never needed it in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, she was a beautiful being to connect with. However, she didn’t tell me anything that I didn’t already know about myself. She was spot on about so much, just not 100%. I wonder who would be able to provide exactly the healing that I needed? Hmmmmmmm….

I am more grateful for seeing myself as my own healer than any part of the reading. I didn’t understand what that meant for me for a long time. It is much clearer now and that is so much more than I could have asked for. In my opinion, Love is the healer. It comes through our doctors, mediums, etc. in different ways but it is not dependent on time or space. Don’t block yourself from your own capabilities because of that outdated belief. The only thing that may take time is cultivating that relationship with Love so you are used to its role in your life. The Love and ability to access Love remains constant.

Find the way Love moves through you so you can give it to yourself. I really believe it is time to end this pattern of believing someone else can provide Love for you better than you can for yourself. Our capacity to Love is innate. It doesn’t matter how long you spent in the jungle learning about singing to vines. By the way, if that is your Love then that’s wonderful. It just isn’t meant for everyone. Your Love is so unique to you. You won’t find it in someone else. It will remain buried until you dig it up. It may be hiding in a place that seems opposite to where you think you would find it. Where are diamonds found?

with love, katie

Note: Love (to me) is the same as God, Source, Spirit, Consciousness, Presence, The Unmanifested, Infinity, Etc. It would just be a mouthful to list them all every time 🙂

Note: I wrote more about my medicine reading here: https://roseandcactusquartz.com/2020/01/24/eleven-minutes/

come home

Lately I have felt the need to let go of what I previously defined as “myself”. To be honest, I have had this feeling for a long time and wasn’t ready to acknowledge it because I knew it would uproot my life. The only reason I couldn’t ignore it anymore when I was given the opportunity to see myself very clearly for the first time. It was an eye-opening experience and I feel very fortunate to be so moved by it. This season of my life has been very revealing to me in terms of what feels authentic to me and what I need to let fall away. This can be especially hard sometimes because I am letting go of a version of myself that I thought was so well-formed and now I am unsure of how this new one fits into my current life. The truth is that it probably doesn’t.

We all go through this depending on what cycle we are in within our own timeline. It can be especially scary when you realize that at the other side of this threshold you may not even recognize yourself. What is even on the other side? Forget even trying to explain it to your loved ones if you don’t fully understand what is happening. When all of the confusion melted away I knew that even if it felt uncomfortable, I had to cut away anything that didn’t feel like me anymore. It can be a heavy job and sometimes I need more than just some craft scissors. The one thing that has provided me solace is we all have an aspect of ourselves that is infinitely filled with wisdom, patience, compassion and love. Even though in our minds we may have no idea what will happen or what we will look like later on, our hearts allow us to find a home within ourselves.

with love, katie

eleven minutes

I have always had a healthy skepticism when it comes to “healers”. I don’t believe that what people claim they can do is impossible. However, it just seems that nowadays anyone with a seemingly well-thought-out website and a popular instagram could be your “healer”. I had always been curious about one particular woman I had heard about from multiple sources. I didn’t give it much more thought because even after looking into her I didn’t really understand what she did and I didn’t want to shell out hundreds of dollars based on curiosity. I have also had readings done before and they were fun for what they were. None of them gave me that life-changing or life-affirming reaction that a lot of people seem to get.

Around this Christmas I remembered the same woman that had been recommended to me out of nowhere. I can’t quite describe it better than “a quiet nudge” to get a reading from her. I was still apprehensive, especially since I was unsure about investing in someone I didn’t know much about. Since it was Christmas I decided to make it a gift to myself and to be open minded about it, especially since I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was a reason the idea seemed to always pop up in my mind. I scheduled it for early January online and was inexplicably nervous the morning of. As it turned out, since the holidays can be a mess for everyone, she mixed up my appointment! This really worked out well for me because I had been feeling really confused about a lot of things in my life and I had no idea what I even wanted to say to her. She has very gracious and refunded/rescheduled my appointment for mid January. The second time around, I felt more relaxed because I really had nothing to lose.

I fell in love within eleven minutes. I promised I’m not being weird. I don’t mean that I was in love with her (she is married with children). I was in love with the way she read me even though I may have spent all of two minutes talking. I didn’t have to tell her my birthday/birthplace, tell her about my childhood trauma or send her a blood sample in the mail. It was as if she had known me for years and even better than some of my friends I have known for over a decade. I told her it was spooky which she thought was funny because apparently she just does this all the time!

I was awestruck by the end of our session. She asked me if I had any questions and I said I wouldn’t even know what to ask her because she gave me so much information. I sat with what she said during the reading for days, wondering why it seemed like she preformed some magic trick. I don’t believe she even claims to be psychic but that is the closest I have ever been to believing that there are psychics in the world from my own experience (after all, anything is possible and just because you haven’t experienced it firsthand doesn’t mean it is impossible).

So what did she even do? Sure for the last fifteen minutes there were some singing bowls involved and she was singing in a language I didn’t understand. She also read my aura and since I cannot see auras the only way I could confirm or deny the information she presented was based off of whether it felt right to me. It wasn’t really the aura reading, singing bowls, or song that made the reading for me. It was the forty minutes of her speaking to me as if she was speaking through my heart. It sounds extraordinary because she is technically a stranger but all she did was reflect to me exactly what I knew about myself in the most beautiful way. She didn’t say anything that was way out of left-field that I didn’t already know about myself.

It has always been really difficult for me to be very honest with myself. Sometimes I can’t even explain why this is, other than at times it can feel easier to be a different version of myself. This woman did not give me a choice. It wasn’t until after the reading that I questioned why I even needed to have the reading in the first place since she didn’t say anything that I didn’t already know. I needed the reading not to learn something new about myself but to be even just okay with the person I knew that I was. She laid out everything on the table for me and allowed me to see myself in a very clear and honest way that I hadn’t before. Do you remember when I said that when I first booked the reading I was nervous because I felt very confused so I wasn’t even sure about what I was going to say? I have felt as if I have been at a crossroads for awhile, unsure of where I am going next or what that even means to me. She revealed to me that I have never actually been confused. The “confusion” I speak of was me just avoiding who I am at the core.

By the way, even though she gave me the gift of the most amazing reading I have ever had, I wouldn’t say that she is magic. She is a serious medicine woman. She has been practicing for seventeen years and has integrated wisdom from several traditions to form her healing practice. It is definitely not one of those cases where she just built her website yesterday and started advertising medicine readings. The only reason I wouldn’t say she is “magic” is because I do believe there are many talented healers out there but a) you need to be open to whatever healing they are providing you and b) they need to be the right fit for you. These are not hard and fast rules. I myself have tried a couple of non-allopathic, non-western healing modalities with an open mind and they were not all for me. As I mentioned before, they were okay but this reading was spectacular. One of the reasons I have been raving about this in my mind for several days after is because she happens to have a background in shamanism. She doesn’t claim to be a shaman or even a shamanic practitioner. She has studied shamanism and woven that into her practice. Shamanism has immensely shifted my life (no, I am not a shaman/shamanic practitioner either; quite frankly, for me to say that would be problematic and disrespectful of the tradition). It is not a coincidence that I felt something very different during this particular reading. She was just speaking my language.

More than anything, she gave me the gift of honesty. Within the first eleven minutes, I knew the reading would be special even though I wasn’t sure exactly how. The past year or so has been really hard on me in ways I would need a book series the length of an encyclopedia to explain. I was absolutely the hardest on myself. It would have been much easier if I had been used to be honest with myself about who I am and what it is that I love in this world. It sounds oversimplified and that is because I don’t want to make it too complicated. She reflected back to exactly who I knew I was and provided me the space to fall in love with that person. She also showed me how to feel the most at home within myself. That was even more than anything I could have asked for and it all came from a quiet nudge.

with love, katie