I haven’t really made a habit of paying attention to the moon phases in the past. It was something I was always curious about, but I wasn’t sure how it really connected to me. It took me awhile to even notice that I did feel connected to the moon, I just didn’t have the language to describe that connection. About twelve full moons ago, I was crying myself to sleep. I remember that it was a full moon because I wanted more than anything to get some sleep that night and it was really bright outside. (It was also easy to fact check because you can look up anything on the internet nowadays). A couple hours earlier I had the worst fight I have ever had with anyone in my entire life. I am usually a very calm, quiet person. I can be very emotional, but I don’t always express that. That night I had a very hard time holding everything in, as I had for the past decade. I was screaming at the top of my lungs with hot, rather salty, tears streaming down my face. About what? It actually doesn’t matter. Our argument, or rather my meltdown, was a culmination of everything that had happened over the past several years. It was a long time coming and that night I finally lost it. I totally cracked. It was as if I left my body and I was just observing the words flying out of my mouth, noticing that it was too late to reel everything back in. It was a night of immense release and I needed it so I could begin to move on with my life. Every little thing that needed to come out came out that night so that I wouldn’t have to hold onto it anymore. Every truth that was kept in the dark either from someone else or myself was brought to the surface. Everything was being cleared out. I noticed yesterday that I was thinking about that night and how much has changed since then, twelve full moons later. I couldn’t be more grateful for it.
That argument with my father was crazy embarrassing, but it needed to happen. You know those moments that you hope everyone forgets, but you know that they can’t because the only way that that could happened is if aliens abducted them and erased their memories? Unfortunately for me, this was that kind of unforgettable. That night is such a blur that I can’t even remember how it started, though I suspect it was over something trivial like the dishes. That is always how it begins right? The smallest things can draw so much out of us when we keep so much inside. That night is incredibly special to me because the full moon shed light on some of my deepest, darkest shadows. I always kind of knew that they were there but refused to acknowledge them. I didn’t think that they were that big of a deal. That night, I knew that they had taken over my life. When things started to quiet down, my father’s second wife came in the bedroom to talk to me. We have had an interesting history so I was surprised to see her. She said that she didn’t know what was going on with me but clearly something needed to change. Though I didn’t completely understand it at the time, she was absolutely right. I knew something needed to change because I couldn’t continue living this way. I could live with all of the sadness and heaviness inside of my heart. I wasn’t sure what I needed to do (figuring that out came much later), but things could not remain the same. Even though my head was pounding and fuzzy, I never felt better. I felt confused but filled with hope because this was the first time I was actually in my power to do something. You can’t change or heal something if you don’t even acknowledge its existence. I was so used to denying that something needed to change for the longest time. I didn’t know it but I was disempowering myself because you can’t deal with something that “doesn’t exist”.
My parents are my soulmates. I don’t think of “soulmates” as romantic partners; otherwise this got really weird, really quickly. I used to think my mom was the only soulmate I knew because I have had the most trouble with her. It wasn’t regular mother-daughter stuff. This was supernatural. I could really feel that there was something else, something inexplicable, that was infused in our relationship. I actually received an Akashic Records reading (I was really confused) and the reader told me I shared three past lifetimes with my mom. For one of them we were mother and daughter as we are now (so we have had practice in this dynamic). In another we were actually in a romantic relationship and things didn’t work out too well (makes total sense to me that we didn’t get along). Finally, I was her boss in some sort of work situation (I can’t even imagine…). It is all so fascinating. I don’t know that they are all “true”, but what I do know is that there is something special there. Both of my parents, my mother especially, have a special talent of revealing every single shadow that I have. I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to drag it out. I love them both very much, but this can be a bit much. It is as if you are being challenged all the time with very little room for recovery before the next trial comes. The argument with my dad on the full moon was the tip of the iceberg. Several months after, I moved in with my mother as I continued to figure out my life. I figured that things were so bad with my dad that nothing could be worse than that. I clearly forgot what it was like to live with my mother after not living with her for years. I left one tense situation and moved into an even more intense one. For eight months she revealed parts of my soul that I didn’t even know existed. In every argument, misunderstanding, and heart-to-heart moment I learned something new about myself.
I felt really alone during this time. It was hard because I wasn’t sure what was happening. I was so confused and since I couldn’t make sense of it myself, I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else. I couldn’t rely on my parents to hold space for me because not only were they the one dragging everything out of me but also they don’t really know how. We all have things that come natural to us and learning curves. Holding a loving, nurturing space is not something that comes naturally to my parents. I used to resent them for this, but now I understand them. You cannot hold any kind of space for anyone if you don’t know how to do it for myself. I could see it in my dad’s eyes that night that he had no idea what to do… he also said verbatim that he didn’t know what to do. He had no idea how to help me and felt he could do everything that he could. I didn’t understand it at the time, but he was telling the truth. He was doing his best with what he had. I expected that he should be able to whip out what I needed out of nowhere and that was very unfair of me. I couldn’t comprehend that he really didn’t know how to just be there for me I thought he was just refusing to do so and I was wrong. This frustrated me until I realized that the best someone can do has nothing to do with you. My parents abilities to be there for me had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with themselves. I thought that I wasn’t worth the trouble of them trying to listen to me. In order for them to listen to me in the way that I needed, they would have needed to do that for themselves first. It just took me awhile to take my head out of my a*s to understand this. If someone cannot Love* you and hold space for you, it is not because you don’t deserve it. If they can’t do it for you it is because they aren’t in the habit of doing it for themselves. We spend so much time trying to gain the Love and respect of people that do not Love and respect themselves. It isn’t personal. This was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Since my parents were unable to help me, I learned how to help myself. I couldn’t ask anyone else to do it for me because I didn’t even know what to say. Now I don’t need anyone to do this for me. It wasn’t easy at first, since I was so used to keeping everything inside, but I found my way. I sat with myself and journaled to get everything down for twenty months. I wrote down everything from things that made no sense and things that that made even less sense than no sense. There were times when I felt so discouraged because I didn’t think that anything was changing.
I didn’t understand it at the time but I was transforming all of the unknown dimensions within myself into something known and tangible that would later allow me to make some key changes (more on this here). Those unknown-knowns were guiding me through the dark. Every time my parents revealed something about myself I wrote it down. Every single time I felt something about what they were saying to me, I gave it a space. I got used to collecting these feelings pieces to a puzzle. There seemed to be hundreds of pieces. I wasn’t sure how they all fit, but I kept going. I had clues here and there as to what the final product would look like. The picture was still fuzzy, but I was gaining more and more clarity. This would have never happened if I wasn’t open to the guidance. Even when things seem overwhelming, your heart needs to remain open. This was the only way I was able to see in the dark.
Every single part of me that needed to be released immediately was gone. It was really hard, unforgiving, and uncomfortable. I learned very quickly that there was no room for that anymore if I wanted lasting change. You always have the choice to remain comfortable and the same. However, when you are making room for your Spirit things naturally fall away. I realized that there was no room for both Love in my life and a majority of the lifestyle choices I had previously made that were not from Love. The Love and everything created from Love remained, everything else left. The change just happened. It wasn’t all at once… it all happened at the right time.
This change was reflected everywhere in my life. When you shift something within your core, the dominos naturally fall. I didn’t have to actively take inventory of every space of my life including relationships, health, family, professional goals, etc. Everything just began to fall into place. It wasn’t graceful, things just happened as they were meant to. Everything that I was holding onto so tightly, everything I thought I wouldn’t survive without, disappeared. I didn’t have the energy to hold onto them anymore. They just didn’t fit. It is so amazing to look back and see what I thought created my life. All of those things I thought I needed were holding me back. They were created from darkness. Darkness is a form of Love, as well as anything that exists. Darkness is Love waiting to be transformed into something else. I just didn’t want to live in my shadow anymore.
I would have none of this without my parents. They really gave me everything. My relationship with myself and Love wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t be able to write the way that I do now. I certainly wouldn’t be able to hold space and show up for myself as an expression of Love. Everything that I discovered about myself would have remained buried. All of the shadows and their beauty would have gone unnoticed. I thought for the longest time that my parents must really hate me because my relationships with them were that challenging and I couldn’t figure out why. I was unable to see the bigger picture. By revealing the different dimensions of my shadow they showed me my expression of Love. I have always been surrounded by opportunities for healing and growth. They pushed me in ways that I didn’t even know were possible and I am so much better for it. I thought all of the wounds I endured were destroying my spirit. Twelve full moons later I understood how they created my life.
My parents are still my parents. They can still seem impossible to deal with. They haven’t changed and neither has their role in my life. I just approach it differently now. I am able to find great clarity amongst situations where I previously only saw confusion and darkness. There is no way to bypass the emotion and I wouldn’t even want to. I still get upset and hurt just like anyone else. I can be upset and know the true meaning behind the interaction. These situations push me far outside of my comfort zone and teach me how to Love in ways I couldn’t comprehend before. How could I not be thankful for that?
My parents showed me how to own my soul in a way I never even imagined. Every single shadow that they highlighted and continue to show me is integrated. They are all welcome and transformed with Love. When I was able to look at all of the pieces I gathered after years and years of pain, I understood my Spirit. No matter what happened, I always held space for those pieces of myself. I finally got to place the last piece in the puzzle yesterday.
My relationships with my soulmates have taught me that there is Love everywhere waiting to be discovered. You are everywhere, waiting to be discovered.
with love, katie
*Love/Higher Self/God/Source/Spirit/Creation/Consciousness/Unmanifested/The Eternal/Soul/Everything/Nothing/All That Is/Infinity/The Unknown/The Witness/Being/Existence… you fill in the blank…
I don’t think I have ever taken a crack at talking about “self-love” because it is so overused. I don’t know when “self-love” became trendy but now “self-love” is conflated with “self-care” and has so many different meanings that I can’t keep track of. Thus, I rarely ever use the phrase in my daily life since it could mean a wide range of things to a lot of people. I also noticed that I never gave much thought to what this means for me personally. When I began thinking about how I really define “self-love”, I quickly realized that for me it really has nothing to do with a bubble bath or creating a list of one hundred things you “like” about yourself. I do believe it is important to define it for yourself so whenever you use the words or hear them you aren’t associating it with someone else’s meaning. We all need to be respectful of however we all choose to invite “self-love” into our own lives, this is just my own interpretation. The only two things I question with respect to how we usually define this concept is that: a) we make it all about us and b) we think this looks generally the same for everyone. You may be thinking, “well isn’t it called ‘self-love’ so shouldn’t it be all about us?” Yes and no. For me, it depends on how you define yourself or rather, what you identify with. Both of these issues are very intimately connected (when I say “issues”, I mean the reason why I personally haven’t felt connected to the traditional meaning behind “self-love” in the past). I was having a conversation with my mom the other day about some problems my younger sister was having with her roommates. My mom noted that when she was their age that the whole situation wouldn’t have even happened because friends just don’t do that to one another. I pointed out that how my mom was at twenty isn’t how people are at twenty now. For some reason those who are in their late teens and early twenties now are far more selfish than when my mom was that age in the eighties. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing because we are forming our own identities at that age, discovering our own space in the world… there are just too many other factors. Life now is not the same as it was forty years ago. When people approach “self-love” unconsciously and don’t develop their own relationship with it, it can easily lead to them forgetting about the people that surround them. I do believe that you need to make yourself the priority, just not your third dimensional self a.k.a your ego, mind, etc. Making your third dimensional self the center of your universe inherently separates you from the universal community. When you are identifying with your third dimensional identity it makes it really tough to be connected to the force that connects us all. How do we not do this? This can be prevented by taking a deep dive into what you believe “self-love” really means to you. This is such an important step that I think so many people miss because we aren’t used to really taking the time to think about every word, thought, concept, philosophy, etc. that is introduced to us. I have noticed that those who have really taken a look into what “self-love” means to them knows that it isn’t actually about them at all.
So then what does it mean? I think there is a difference between loving yourself as your physical-material-self and then loving yourself as Love* a.k.a your Higher Self etc. (all equal interpretations listed at the end). Your physical-self has a beginning and an end. Your body, mind, etc. will all pass away at some point because we have a limited amount of time on this planet. No matter what you believe about the soul, past lives, parallel lives, etc., let’s assume your physical-self is only here within this world and timeline for so long (I believe you can question everything but there becomes a point where it would be really hard to write this without a place of consensus to begin). When you make that the center of your universe, without any surprises, you become the center of your universe. You make all of your decisions based on what will benefit you up until the day you die. This is one way to live which is why I do believe all interpretations of “self-love” are correct. The question is rather, “how do you want to live?” Do you want to live your life making your material-identity the center of your world? Disconnection plagues us because this is how so many people choose to interact and interpret the energy (everything) that surrounds them. I don’t believe there is much power here because the physical-self is finite. Disconnection only gets you so far and this is where all of your energy is going. What happens when you put all of your energy and focus into something that is finite? The answer is pretty simple: the physical, limited aspects of this experience are all that matter to you. I am not just talking about money, cars, houses, or random household items. I am also talking about your mind, identity, third dimensional experiences, memories, concepts of time, etc. There is a beginning and end to all of these things. When you move on, all of these third dimensional aspects of life disappear. They are all defined by clear boundaries of space and time. Again, your third dimensional existence isn’t a problem. In fact, it is the only way I am able to write this and you are able to read it. I am talking about the mindset that is associated with placing value in a life/identity that is defined by the boundaries of space and time. It separates you from the abundance of power you have within yourself. Your life and existence has been confined to all of these finite boundaries. Putting your energy into something that is finite only gets you so far. What happens when you reach those limits? There isn’t as much room for expansion and no room for expansion beyond you. Now, what if you made Love/Higher Self/Unconditional Love/God the center of your existence? What happens then? For everyone who feels that nature connects us all, what if you put Nature at the center? The most important promise I ever made to myself was to choose Love every single day for the rest of my life. Unconditional Love is an infinite powersource. There are no limits to how you can express Love or what you are able to transform into Love.
There are no limits with who or what you can connect to through Love. All of our relationships with Love are very different. It is very valuable to know how Love communicates to you. There are infinite, multidimensional languages that Love can use to speak to use. They may involve dimensions of seeing, feeling, knowing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, etc. to name a few. You will know which one yours is when you are able to connect to the Love within yourself and thus the Love within everyone else. My personal language is a combination of feeling and knowing. It allows me to connect to myself as Love and the Love within everyone else. Once you discover your own unique Love language, your world is never the same. Everything transforms. Love will become your greatest teacher. Love will allow you to understand other people and the role that they play in your life from a place of Love. Love will show you how other people are able to show up as your teacher and you are always doing the same for other people in your life. Nothing I am saying is new. If you don’t connect to the way that I am saying this then I am just not speaking your language. Taking the time to discover your Love language is important because you won’t understand Love until you understand the way you understand Love. You need to be connected to Love in order for Love to be the priority in your life. For example, there are so many different ways to say “your loved one is a teacher in your life”. This is the same to me as: a) “your loved one was in your past life and incarnated with you to show you this”, b) “your loved one is your soulmate”, c) having a vision of the past life you shared with your loved one, d) hearing from your spirit guides that your loved one is meant to show you someone and so on. The reason why they all translate to the same thing to me is because I don’t know God through seeing, hearing, etc. God/Love/Higher Self doesn’t have any of those descriptive dimensions i.e. God could look or sound like anything. I recognize Love through feeling and knowing. For someone who recognizes Love through seeing, now God has a visual dimension. I don’t necessarily believe in past lives, soul mates, spirit guides etc., I believe in the way they make me feel when I connect to that narrative. I believe in all of them and none of them at the same time. How? I believe that either all exist together or they don’t at all. Since God could look, sound, etc. like anything, the only thing that makes a difference to me is how I feel about it. They are all describing the same core essence so none of those interpretations are more or less correct. You could describe Love in any way that you want. I can only determine whether an interpretation has a space in my life based on what I feel and know. This is where you need to be your own detective and ask yourself what it is you feel connected to. Your world will make a lot of sense when you are able to allow Love in. That is a choice that you need to make and a relationship you need to cultivate. You (Higher Self) will become your own teacher of your own Love language when you are able to receive the information with an open heart.
When you allow Love in your world transforms into a space of compassion, patience, community, friendship, connection, empathy, love, beauty, understanding, clarity, healing and harmony. Love creates space for all of these things. The only way to have your world be a space of all of these essences is to always be creating from a space of Love. You need to commit. You will never see yourself as separate again because you will not be able to stop seeing the Love within yourself and everyone else. Now everything that you can possibly perceive, including what you can’t, is Love. The wonderful thing about putting Love at the center of our life is that you are automatically holding space for your material-identity, every other material-identity, your Higher Self, everyone else’s Higher Self, and everything else in all of existence. I truly believe Love is the only legitimate healer on this planet. We outsource so much for other people to “show us the way”, tell us what we are meant to do with our lives, tell us how we are meant to heal, etc. I have done this and I only wish someone told me along the way that I didn’t need to. The last healer I had was remarkable because she told me that I shouldn’t need to ever see her again. When we were finished with the session I knew that she was right, I didn’t need anyone else to show me how to Love ever again. That doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from one another. Everyone has something beautiful to offer as an expression of Love. The only difference between me and her is that she was used to showing up for herself for thirty plus years. We are both equal channels of Love. She has just been in her power for decades, being her own healer and I haven’t even lived that long. We all have the ability to channel Love as our healer which is the same thing as showing up for ourselves with Love, showing up in this world as Love, blessing everyone with Unconditional Love, allowing Love to always move through us and making Love the center of our life practice. I love the classic Disney movies, despite that they may be a bit problematic now, because the core theme connecting them is that Love is able to conquer anything. I say Love is the only genuine healer because Love heals anything and everything you can imagine if you are willing to hold a space for it. For example, many people go to a wide range of healers that speak their own languages e.g. astrology, numerology, human design, shamanism, crystals, reiki, etc. to figure out what they are meant to be doing here or what their “purpose” is. If you really pay attention, they aren’t telling you anything that you don’t already know if you know the Love within yourself before going to them. I have received readings from two people that have studied shamanism and another that reads the Akashic Records. They all spoke very different spiritual languages but they all managed to tell me the exact same thing. Despite the readings being very physically different, they all read my heart. I got the same feeling when I received all three of them. All three readings at their core were exactly the same. These readings are my favorite of all time because they showed me three things: a) I already knew these things about myself, b) true healers are reflecting the Love you already know is inside you, and c) we are all able to connect to the Love within everyone in mysterious ways. I don’t know how they were able to say essentially the same thing about me (it is eerily spot on) but that is one of the great Mysteries of the Universe. The most important thing that these spectacular women did for me was show me that if I showed up with Love for what I already knew within myself, I wouldn’t have needed them in the first place. If I were able to be honest with myself about who I am as an expression of Love, I wouldn’t have needed someone else to show me in order for me to accept it.
Imagine moving through life with Love not only as your healer but also as your guide. Remember the example about languages and spirit guides before? I believe all spirit guides are different dimensions or aspects of Love i.e. they are Love translated into different languages, Love from a specific perspective, Love cast through a specific lens, Love in the form of a narrative, one of Love’s many different manifestations, etc. No matter how you interpret it, your Higher Self/God/Love is always there to guide you. They only thing you need to remember is that at the end of the day, you are the one who is guiding you. You are not separate from Love. Love is you and you are Love. You have been create from Love. You are an expression of Love. You will receive yourself as an expression of Love through your multidimensional Love language, whatever that may be. Think in the past how you may have been guided by love. When was it? How did you receive Love’s message? These are all clues to how you are guiding yourself. You need to trust yourself as Love in order to show up as your own guide. I rarely ask for advice from other people. I began to notice that 96% of the time when I would even begin to ask someone a question, I already knew the answer. Love is the only guide you need when it comes to matters of the heart. Remember, the Love within other people is always guiding you and the Love within you is guiding them. However, it is important to remain humble. I do ask for advice when it pertains to the material world. I don’t know everything from a third dimensional perspective. You bet that when it comes to money or taxes, I will be sitting with my mother soaking in all of her knowledge. I don’t know anything about buying/owning a house, life insurance, or cooking a turkey. Love isn’t solely a third dimensional force, it comes through third dimensional forms. I may know the world through Love but I don’t know everything about the world. It took me awhile to distinguish this. I am very open when it comes to receiving the Wisdom that comes in the form of people, situations etc. We all know Love and Love is infused everywhere in this world. However, we aren’t all aware of the infinite possibilities of material information all at once. Some people have the gift of clairaudience where they can speak languages they have never heard or say specific things about people that no one else knows. It is possible to know unknown material information. I don’t know how that is possible, it is another part to the Mystery. We all have something that is unknown to us. We need to be aware of this and find our own humble ways of engaging with what is unknown to us. A lot of third dimensional information is unknown to me. I may know the Love within everything but I don’t know everything. See the difference? My father would always say that it is important to know what you don’t know so you can remain curious and ask questions. There is a way to balance allowing Love to your guide while remaining open, loving, and curious to the unknown. This balance will allow you to sense the earthly as the heavenly and the heavenly as the earthly.
Devoting yourself to Love is an initiation that greatly expands your capacity to show up as an expression of Love and Love within this world. This initiation can come in any form and your life will not be the same. This world is made of Love. Thus, you can discover Love anywhere. Everyone and everything is a portal to Love. I haven’t taken a science class in years so bear with me, but consider a pot of boiling water. You place the pot on the stove waiting for it to boil. You are probably staring at it because somehow it always manages to take forever. You know when the water is ready to cook your dinner because it suddenly starts to transform into gas. The water transforms into gas in an instant. This is how quickly your world changes. You may have been unable to perceive Love before but now it is all you see. Do not use this as a way to “spiritually bypass” your way through life. Everything is Love but that doesn’t mean everything is “love and light” all the time. When I say the word “Love”, I mean it in the most grounded way possible. Love holds space for the “light” and “dark”. You have the ability to transform both into Love in your life (read more here). Love shows up in any and every form. There is Love within all of the beauty and pain in your life. This doesn’t mean you should gloss over the pain in your life and say “well it’s all love so it’s all good”. You are dishonoring this form of Love by dismissing it. You are also blocking the form of medicine Love is appearing in to show you something unknown. If we overlook the darker forms of Love by not confronting or making space for them in our lives, we are not available to the true Love and medicine that follows. Love is inherently simple, but not every form of Love is simple and pretty. Love can be uncomfortable, but not always. When Love is uncomfortable it is trying to show you a new manifestation that you may not have been able to access otherwise. Love is always expanding our world to include new realities, perceptions, languages, understandings, etc. Love is a choice. You choose to see Love wherever you want to. If you choose to bypass certain forms, you are missing out on the medicine it has to offer you. You are also missing out on these exquisite dimensions of yourself that requires you to show up without reservation and judgement. Ultimately, you are missing out on true expansion into the unknown. If you judge the way Love shows up, you are judging yourself as Love. Love contains everything: good and bad, beautiful and ugly, “spiritual” and mundane, known and unknown, possible and impossible, existent non-existent, real and unreal, true and untrue, etc. Choosing Love means choosing seeing everything for what it really is: Love. If you try to pick and choose which aspects of existence are Love, you will never know the full extent of yourself and power as a capacity to show up with Love
When you choose yourself as Love every day it is reflected everywhere in your life. This is what self-Love means to me: seeing and choosing yourself as an expression of Love, connecting to the Love within yourself, connecting to the Love within everything that exists, and knowing Love as your healer so you can show up with the power of Love. I have experienced what happens when you don’t choose Love. It definitely wasn’t pretty but I learned just how important this is (read more here). When you choose to see the Love within yourself, you are choosing to see the Love within other people, every situation, etc. Loves creates within itself. When you see the Love everywhere in your life, you receive Love. You are then inspired to create more. By giving yourself Love, you receive Love. When you are giving yourself Love by allowing space for it in your life, you are also giving it to others. Those people are also inspired by Love, recognize themselves as Love and now Love is spreading everywhere. By the way, choosing Love is a lifestyle choice. You may choose Love but not everyone will understand this choice. It doesn’t make you better than anyone else. If you want to invite the power of Love in your life, that is up to you. It is meant for different people at different times within this third dimensional experience. Choosing a life of Unconditional Love is one of service, reverence, and honor to the Love within yourself and everyone else. Choose Love because you want to live this way. Do not be consumed by righteousness.
You do not need Love from anyone else but yourself. The only thing you need to do is shift your perspective and see yourself who you really are. You are all the Love and support you need. If someone is showing you Love, they are showing you the Love you contain within yourself. Do not give away this power to anyone else. This may seem harder at first because you aren’t used to it. Remember: the only difference between you and anyone else is the amount of practice you have showing up for yourself as Love. No one has more or less access. Love comes through with the same strength for everyone. Do you know the metaphor of Love and the sun? Love is the same as the sun. The sun does not pick and choose whom to give warmth and sunshine, everyone gets it equally. I don’t know who to give credit for this metaphor because I don’t think the person I heard it from came up with it, but I didn’t either. Love comes through for everyone. You just need to show up for yourself and receive it.
Love comes in infinite forms. A key part of receiving Love is being available to the Love that is weaved into every moment. This is true abundance (an entirely different conversation). Be open to all of the shapes Love can take, whether they are known or unknown to you. When you are open to Love in the form of the unknown, you are protected by Love everyday. What does this look like? We are constantly in situations and spaces that are unknown to us. You can approach those instances knowing that even though you know Love, you don’t know its infinite manifestations. This includes the manifestations within and outside of your language. There are infinite unknown Love languages. Love can surprise you if you are open. You don’t need to know how Love will show up to you, you just need to know that it will. It may not be in a way you predict, but if you are open you will receive it.
Find a way to connect to yourself as Love. Your expression of Love is not the same as mine. “Love” throughout this piece is a placeholder where you can insert your own meaning. You can sense when you meet someone whether they are connected to the Love within themselves or not. Devotion to Love means knowing the core essence of Love within yourself. How would you describe yourself when you are an expression of Love? Everyone and everything is “spiritual”, another word that I think has been misconstrued. Not all spiritual practices look the same, but they are spiritual if they are infused with Love. How do you connect to Love? How do you know Love? I know Love through writing (surprise, surprise). I connect to myself as Love and the Love in the world through writing. What allows you to connect to yourself, the world and Love? This is you and what you need to be doing. You don’t need to make it your occupation, it does, however, need to be a part of your life. It needs to be a part of your life so you can Love yourself and Love others. If none of this appeals to you, well I doubt you would still be reading, consider this a gentle invitation to asses what is at the center of your life. What does loving yourself mean? How can you love yourself everyday? It doesn’t have to be anything like how I am describing it but you journey through this world with yourself in every single moment. Aren’t you curious about how you choose to show up for yourself and others?
Making Love the center of your universe allows for new Love to show up everywhere. There is Love everywhere, waiting to be discovered. Whether it is the Love within yourself, loved ones, people you don’t like as much, strangers you haven’t met yet, nature, adventures you have yet to take, the unknown, etc. there is always new Love waiting to be unearthed. Your capacity to Love will expand beyond what you can currently imagine as you open up to Love’s infinite forms. There is new Love wherever you go, you just need to begin with yourself.
with Love, katie
*Love/Higher Self/God/Source/Spirit/Creation/Consciousness/Unmanifested/The Eternal/Soul/Everything/Nothing/All That Is/Infinity/The Unknown/The Witness/Being/Existence… you fill in the blank…
About three years ago I had the amazing opportunity to spend the summer in Australia. You know when you have those random dreams from the time that you are small? This was one of them. The idea was inspired by when my father brought me back a stuffed animal lamb… from New Zealand. I didn’t know where New Zealand was, but I knew it must be great since lambs are my second favorite animal. Later I found out Australia was New Zealand’s neighbor so this was my number one destination for at least twelve years. Australia isn’t easy for me to get to since it is on the other side of the world, making it a very expensive and long trip. I planned that summer down to the last detail from everything I wanted to see, every trail I wanted to hike, etc. There was one particular forest within the Gold Coast that I was dying to see. My friend and I managed to get a car, survive driving on the wrong side of the road, and make it to the national park. I could barely contain my excitement. When we arrived we had some trouble finding an entrance. Something seemed off. It was hard to find a path, which was weird since it was supposed to be a well known trail within an official park. Within the next couple moments I knew I wouldn’t be hiking there because an entire section of the forest had been taken out by a massive fire and everything was completely flooded. There are no fires or floods where I am from so I didn’t even think to check. I figured that since it was a sunny day with no inclement weather pending that everything would be fine. I stood there astonished and a bit upset, frozen in a combination of disappointment and jet lag. After awhile I found myself staring at what was leftover of the forest, marveling at its beauty. The overwhelm of the unexpected dispiritedness melted. Even though I knew I wasn’t going to hike it, since there wasn’t much left and the water would be up to my shoulders if I continued, I remembered that when there is a devastation as large as this that regeneration is inevitable. Sometime in the future, I would just have to come back when there was a new forest waiting for me and anyone else who wanted to be in its embrace.
The last couple of years have been the hardest I have ever experienced. Similarly to the forest, we all go through seasons of distress and have periods of great devastation. If I am being honest, things had been off for about six years. The only reason I didn’t notice is that I thought it was totally normal. I forgot what it felt like to feel good about my life so I got used to a threshold of discomfort. It was only within the past couple of years that the boundaries were being pushed so much to the point where it was unbearable. I come from a family and a culture where when things are difficult you don’t question them, you push through. I don’t disagree with that when it comes to certain things. Beautiful things are born from an uncomfortable place. It is one of the ways in which we grow. The only issue was that I was growing into the wrong direction. I just didn’t notice because every time I pushed through something I found huge relief on the other side. I thought that that twinge of relief meant that I had triumphed over the hardship and that was what life was meant to be like. I don’t think life is meant to be easy, but I was making it really difficult for myself by not realizing earlier that something was really wrong. The most painful part was thinking that this was normal and somehow I was the only person that couldn’t hack it. I really thought everyone else was somehow happy or at least okay with their life and I was the only one who was always having a hard time adjusting. I never heard anyone mention anything about a general discomfort and I didn’t want to be that person who was complaining about something solely in my head. What didn’t help is that on paper everything seemed pretty good or at least good enough so when a red flag popped up, I hushed it and moved on. I treated it as a balancing act. For every red flag I would counter with something that seemed to make that red flag okay. Was I feeling really sad all the time? Yes, but I went to a really nice and expensive school so that’s okay, I can deal. Childhood trauma? Okay, but we don’t need to throw around the “t” word, everyone has that so don’t be so dramatic. Emotional abuse? Yes, but my parents had it so much harder (they really did but that is another story) so I am lucky to have such an easy life where compared to them I don’t have to work for much. Sexual abuse? Yes, but my friends and partner are good at heart so I don’t want to make something out of nothing. (It is important to be grateful for every blessing that you have. Do not create a practice of taking things for granted. I was generally ungrateful at the time because I was turning those blessings into excuses to ignore what felt wrong. That tainted everything. There was no room to appreciate them for what they were since I didn’t see them as anything else besides what I “should” be grateful for. Now I didn’t see the blessings or pain in my life that was hiding underneath. I resented those gifts because it was even worse that I was surrounded by beautiful things and couldn’t find a way to appreciate them.) Those are four red flags out of fifty-five. How do I know that? One day I was sitting in my room in deep silence and had a “wait a minute” moment. I started writing down every single thing I ignored within the past six years that I could remember in great detail. I am sure there are more, but I just wanted to get enough down. Besides, it wasn’t about remembering every little thing. Fifty-five was enough. The only issue in the past was that they were never in front of my face before at the same time. They always came up at different times and with different people. That made them really easy to ignore because when they were separate, they didn’t seem to have much power. I was so used to brushing them off and making excuses that I didn’t see how the toll was rising. Together, they created their own monster. When I finished the list I stared at it in disbelief, but also it made a lot of sense. For a moment I wondered, “how could I let this happen?”, but it quickly passed when I knew that I never gave myself a fighting chance. I pretended as if all of these things were normal so there was no problem. If there is no problem, there is nothing to solve. I couldn’t have done a thing about it because according to me, there was nothing wrong.
The veil had been lifted. That was the first time I was in my power to do something about it. I had been disempowering myself for so long that I was really overwhelmed. Everything on the list seemed so daunting and I didn’t know how to approach it. How was I supposed to fix it? What was “it”? Some of the things that happened were so far in the past it didn’t feel right to do anything about them now. What could I even do? There were some ongoing issues, but I wasn’t even sure where to begin. It was way too much. I began journaling about the list and confronted all of the issues. Every truth that was living in the dark was being revealed and unearthed. I was seeing everything clearly for the first time. It was weird because I felt relieved to finally see them in the light that seemed all too bright for me, but there was also a lot of heaviness and grief. I knew that I would have to find a way to let everything go and move on. I didn’t know what that meant. That was only revealed to me as I pulled more and more to the surface.
I did this for nine and a half hours. I was committed in a way that I wasn’t before to giving everything that I had previously quieted a voice. I do mean a voice literally since I was talking the entire time (journaling out loud can be strange at first since we don’t usually talk to ourselves… on purpose… but everything was coming through far too quickly for me to write it down). I gave everything space to come out and be exactly what it was. I didn’t excuse or justify anything, I just let everything be despite how crazy I probably sounded. It was exactly what I needed. What I needed for the longest time but refused to do was give space to the unseen. I also needed to be the one to do this myself. Every time I tried to do this in the past with someone else other than myself, I was immediately shut down by anyone I tried to get to listen to me. I tried telling my family and a few close loved ones about the red flags above. They either told me that, “that happened such a long time ago, you need to get over it”, “that didn’t happen that way”, “you’re lying”, “that’s your fault”, “figure it out”, or my personal favorite, “so what?”. Those are the kinder phrases I was met with. What is interesting is I don’t necessarily disagree. I don’t think anything that happens in your life is someone else’s responsibility. That is putting the power in someone else’s hands that needs to be in yours. You need to give yourself the power to heal yourself. I do believe that it is much more meaningful to find your own way and realize that you can show up for yourself in this capacity. I do believe you don’t need to let things from two thousand years ago be an excuse for you to not do something about it today. I don’t believe in complaining about something that happened in your life and refusing to help yourself. I do believe that if you don’t even acknowledge the issue in the first place, there is very little anyone else can do to support you. You need to be your own advocate and want to change before anyone else can be there for you. You need to be honest with yourself about what is happening in your life before anything can be done. I don’t think what my loved ones realized was that I had so much unsorted in my head and some of them were involved in those “red flags”. I wanted to heal that with them, but they weren’t interested because they didn’t think there was anything wrong. For them, everything was peachy and I was the one who was losing it. I can see that now with fresh eyes, but I couldn’t comprehend how that could happen back then. I thought that they would understand what I was talking about because they were there. I thought that since they were there that they were an essential part of the equation. So when I was met with aggression, confusion and in some instances, gaslighting, I figured I just got everything wrong and tried my best to let it go. If no one else could see the pain and sadness that I felt then it must not exist. Thus, I must be just fine and blowing things out of proportion. I didn’t understand that I gave away the power to someone else to determine whether what I was feeling was real. I needed their validation at the time and every time I didn’t get it, it trained me to believe that if something wasn’t seen or acknowledged by someone else then it was never real. Do you see how this can cause a lot of problems? The unseen remained buried, until that day. During those nine and a half hours I realized it didn’t matter what anyone else said, I knew what I felt. Everything felt real to me and it was taking a toll. I was finally doing something about it by knowing that whatever felt real to me was real, whether someone validated it or not. The power was back in my hands. Now I am speaking directly to you, because we need to cut this sh*t out. When someone comes to you and says that they need you to just be there with them and listen, it is not for you it is for them (a great example: #metoo… sound familiar?). Some people need that sounding board. I don’t now but some people certainly do and that’s more than okay. Put aside your ego and what you feel is “true”. Put aside your need to be right to give Love* to someone who clearly needs it and is on their way to figuring out how they can provide it for themselves. My loved ones made it about who was “right” vs. “wrong”. They were protecting their egos and would do anything to not be “wrong”. The problem for them was if they validated how I felt then they would be “in the wrong” and that just couldn’t happen. They were more concerned with defending themselves. I just needed someone to listen. Do this especially for the people that look up to you, even if you don’t realize that they do. What was happening was I was so early in my own exploration of what it meant to be in my own power so I wasn’t quite there yet when having those conversations. Every time I got shut down I learned more and more to distrust myself because I was “wrong” and they were “right”. They had the better argument and “proof” that they were “right”. What I didn’t understand at the time was that what was “real” for me wasn’t “true” for them. They were so busy protecting their own “truth” because that is what mattered to them more. I am personally grateful for this because it taught me how to cultivate a space of patience, compassion, understanding, and Love for myself no matter what anyone else had to say about it. I am not sure it would even be this important to me if it wasn’t for this experience. What is “real” for you doesn’t need to be “true” for someone else. What is “true” for someone else doesn’t need to be “real” for you. There is room and Love for all of them. Our realities don’t match up perfectly in ways that we can perceive with the mind alone. Words are imaginary anyway. Since one word has infinite meanings, is there ever really a way to have true consensus? Oddly enough, it doesn’t make them any less powerful. All of our realities are happening simultaneously in one moment. They all create one another. Be aware of this. I learned the importance of knowing and feeling what was “real” to me and allowing that to be enough. If you have the opportunity to spread this Love to someone else who needs it, take it. There is an incredible amount of Love in holding space for someone and their experience despite whatever you may think is “right”. We all have wildly different perceptions of “truth”. It takes a strong person to be able to honor what they feel is “real” and “true” for themselves and hold space for someone else without feeling threatened. All of our realties coexist every single day. You don’t need to defend yours. Once you free yourself from defending your own “truth”, as long as your “truth” comes from Love it has enough power to sustain itself, you can really be there for someone else because you won’t be trying to make them conform to what you believe. You have the strength in your heart to be confident in yourself and Love someone else. Your voice and silence are your power.
Everything that was buried and unknown to me became known. I was able to see myself and life with great clarity. Once I gave the power and voice to all of my experiences, they were not only a Source of great healing but also guidance. I could not let this keep happening. These revelations changed how I saw this world instantaneously. There was no going back to how I was acting before. Even though I knew what needed to shift, my entire existence didn’t just immediate change. I took small steps every day to make the big changes I knew needed to happen. I was always observing myself to make sure that I wasn’t backsliding. It wasn’t easy. I was simultaneously comfortable and uncomfortable with the way my life had been the past several years. This promised to be even more uncomfortable. I didn’t care. I knew that if I wanted real, lasting change that I had to commit. If I wanted to give myself a real chance at living and enjoying my life, this was critical.
What really changed everything was the day that I made God the priority. I know that is a very loaded word, but if you read my little note below, that is the same thing as Love. I use them interchangeably, which not everyone agrees with. (However, as you and I know from what I said earlier, that’s more than okay.) It was just the language I was using at the time. There were so many things that I felt I needed to tackle. What made it less overwhelming was this commitment. No matter what, Love was the priority. If something or someone in my life was not coming from a space of Love, something needed to change. I was not sacrificing myself or my relationship with Love ever again. I was not compromising this for anything. I chose God over and over again in every relationship, interaction, thought, space, etc. and everything transformed. There is so much power in Unconditional Love because it is infinite. You have the ability to allow it in to transform your life in was that you didn’t know were possible. That day when I spent nearly ten hours holding space for myself, I chose Love over anything else. I chose to have Unconditional Love for myself i.e. everything I felt and knew within my heart. That day, I chose myself as Unconditional Love over everything everyone had previously told me. That was the first day I truly and unconditionally chose myself without reservations. Up until that point, I put anyone and everyone else first. It wasn’t sustainable and that is why I was breaking. This doesn’t mean that everything magically goes away. Well it does, but it doesn’t. The people that I Love but caused me so much pain still exist. The only difference is now that no matter what I know Love as what is real and my personal truth. They exist as Love now. They transformed in my eyes and still remain the same. With Love I know there is room for me to know what is “real” for me and room for their own personal “truths”. I also know that they are Love within their third dimensional shell. I will give them nothing but Love in return. It doesn’t mean putting up with any bulls*it, I have fallen into that trap before. Boundaries are very important and I learned to create those boundaries with Love. You can have strong boundaries and know people for their hearts.
With Love as my greatest ally, I was able to see how everything over the past several years was connected. The “truth” was that I abandoned myself as Love a long time ago. I stopped showing up for myself as Love so I didn’t trust myself. I put my trust and power into other people and it bit me in the a*s. I wasn’t giving Love to myself so I looked for it in other people. It took me a very very long time to understand that this was the original issue. I blamed everyone else but me. I thought that they must be the issue because it happened such a long time ago and uncovering this kind of past trauma was kind of trendy in a weird way at the time. I looked back and thought that it was the result of a friendship that went south when I was fourteen. When that excuse didn’t seem to work anymore, I did what everyone else does now: I blamed my parents. That didn’t hold up anymore when I realized that they were just doing the best that they could. Who else was there to blame? No one. I learned to take responsibility for myself. They weren’t accepting the blame and I couldn’t reasonably expect them to take it anymore. Even if they did, that put the power in their hands which disempowers me. That doesn’t help me or anyone else. There was no more room for excuses. I knew that at the core of all of these issues, there was only me. I couldn’t figure out what they all had in common… they had me in common. It wasn’t always like this, but somewhere along the line I stopped giving Love to myself and started outsourcing. I don’t know why but somewhere alone the line when we are kids we learn that “love” from someone else is easier and more valuable than the Love we can provide ourselves. When it seemed like this “love” was limited, I did anything and everything to try and get every drop that I could. But at what cost? There were many instances where in order to get the “love” I needed to sacrifice a part of myself. I ended up really f*cking myself over. I felt every single sacrifice. I felt a little piece of my heart dying every single time. My heart was trying to speak to me and every time I ignored it I felt that there was something wrong. But then when I got that little hit of “love” from another person I thought I was okay and even worse, on the right track. I was abandoning myself by not choosing myself/Love over and over again. It cost me my mind, health, heart, power, freedom, relationship to myself and connection to God. This is what connected everything on that list. I was confused when I first wrote it down because I didn’t see any correlation between the “individual” events. They all seemed so unrelated. In every single instance I was choosing someone else over myself and what I knew was Love. I was so used to it that I was doing it all the time every chance that I had. Now the solution was very clear and simple. The manifestations and consequences of this choice were all very different, but it was all a reflection of the choice I made that receiving “love” from everyone else was more important than the Love that could come from myself. (I put “love” in quotations because if “love” is somehow conditional or someone chooses when to give it to you, it is not Love at all.) The one thing I needed to heal to change everything and reverse the damage was to promise choose Love. I have never gone back on that promise.
I share this story with you to remind you to protect your heart. I learned through a great upheaval, but you don’t need to do all of this. We can all grow from a place of Love. You do, however, need to remove the veil of deception from your own life. The only way I was able to accomplish this change was through radical and unapologetic honesty. Honesty is a powerful form of Love. Honesty allows you to hold space for the unseen. The veil of deception and dishonesty will not protect you from your “truth”. It will only push you toward it until you have the courage to confront it yourself. “Dishonesty” isn’t bad because it allows for honesty. There was a period of time where I was so frustrated with myself for essentially lying to myself for years. I was upset that I wasted a lot of life buried in deception of my own creation. I quickly came to understand that without dishonesty, there is no room to be honest with yourself. “Dishonesty” is a form of Love as well since it is the partner of “honesty”. Without “dishonesty” I would have not been able to Love and hold space for “honesty” within myself. Love as “dishonesty” was the catalyst for me to create more Love as “honesty” in my life. It is all Love creating within itself. You cannot transform the unknown into the known without the unknown existing in the first place. There is no seen without the unseen. You just need to decide what form of Love you want to experience. I was done experiencing Love in the form of “dishonesty”. All opposites are different dimensions of Love that create one another. There is no good or bad, only what you know is in alignment for yourself. I learned that I had so much strength, resilience, and patience to be able to survive those six years where I wasn’t myself. Now, I know a different form of strength.
Love will always protect you. You don’t need anyone else to do that for you. Love is infinite. Whether you need Love to hold space for yourself, someone else or the both of you at the same time, there is more than enough. It is unlimited. It is only Love if there are no limits. Love will always provide you will all of the power and strength that you need. Love hold space for the seen and unseen; known and unknown; what is “real” to you and “true” to someone else; what is “real” to someone else and “true” to you; everything you can imagine, everything you can’t possible dream of; what is possible, impossible and everything in-between.
I was able to experience so much regeneration as a result of the wreckage that came from deception and the “truth” that came to the surface. I found the power within myself, within Love, to release the old narrative and create a new one. I shined light on everything that I was previously hiding. From allowing the “truth” of Love to shine through, everything was reborn. I found and held onto my center every step of the way and it guided me here. I did not allow confusion and hopelessness to take over as everything seemingly inconsequential and earth-shattering appeared. The “truth” stormed the entire forest of my life, there was nothing that was untouched. Everything that burned down made way for a different dimension of my true nature to grow in its place.
I haven’t been back to the forest in the Gold Coast yet. I am sure that there are new trees, flowers, animals and all kinds of growth for everyone to explore. Choosing Love allowed me to look at the past several years with compassionate eyes. It also allows me to look forward to what I can create in the future. Love is powerful because no matter where or when you are, you can feel the effects of how it transforms every aspect of your life in the past, present, and what is to come next. Love has infinite forms for all of us, the possibilities are limitless. I wonder what that forest will look like in the future.
with love, katie
*Love/Higher Self/God/Source/Spirit/Creation/Consciousness/Unmanifested/The Eternal/Soul/Everything/Nothing/All That Is/Infinity/The Unknown/The Witness/Being/Existence… you fill in the blank…
I heard this poem by In-Q about an hour after I wrote this. Allow the words to really sink in. It is so much better when you listen to him preform it. He did such a beautiful job of capturing what I was feeling at the time of this piece. It was too serendipitous not to share.
I’m staring at the number, wondering if I should call
I can hear the tick tock from the clock on the wall
As it meshes with the thump thump beat of my heart
Sometimes getting something started is the hardest part
I didn’t meet my dad until I was 15
I had seen his photograph, but his image was sickening
A coward with a dick, but no balls to back it up
See, when he left me as a kid, I had cause for acting up
The funny thing about hate
Is the person you hate
Doesn’t feel that hate
You feel that hate
The weight can be too much for a person to take
And personally I was hurt, so I locked it away
I was angry all the time and I didn’t know why
I couldn’t handle my own rage, so I would hide it inside
Pretending everything’s fine became a daily pastime
Time passed and I started to believe in my own lies
I took it out on my mom because she raised me alone
The rage that I couldn’t own had left me totally numb
It was like land mines in my mind that I didn’t understand
So when the boy inside cried, the young man outside yelled
I think I learned about my masculinity from TV
The people weren’t real, so I knew they couldn’t leave me
I’d sit there for hours right in front of the tube
The images that I saw were my depiction of truth
It was manhood in a box, and I bought into it
The censorship of anything inside of me that’s sensitive
The sentence is a lifetime of tears suppressed in a stone face
An overblown ego they’ve distracted through a paper chase
Back when I was nine, I imagined in my mind
That my father was a spy working for the FBI
And that’s why I couldn’t stop by, write, or drop a line
He was off saving our lives from the bad guys
But that was just a lie that I used to get by
So that you wouldn’t see the tears welling up in my eyes
When you’re rejected by the person that you’re created by
You secretly feel like you don’t have a right to your life
I thought if I confronted him then it would make it alright
But since I couldn’t forgive him, it just recycled my spite
I remember meeting him for the first time
Every time a person passed by I would ask
Mom, is that him?
I look a little like him, right?
Well, what about that guy?
And that was what it was like
To meet the man that gave me my life
To shake his hand and look into his eyes
We talked till he apologized, then said our goodbyes
I walked away on my own then I began to cry
Now, for years after that I acted like it was all resolved
I’d told him what I thought, so I figured problem solved
But it just re-evolved
My insecurities were eating it my mental health
I took it out on the world because I hated myself
That’s when I finally decided I needed some help
I opened up and started writing about my past
I got honest with myself and I started chipping at my mask
I looked into the mirror and confronted what I saw
Accepting the reflection by embracing every flaw
Then directing the connection into breaking down the walls
By reflecting the perfection of the God inside us all
I stopped focusing on everything that I had been hateful for
And started focusing on everything that I’m be grateful for
And personally there is a lot I can be thankful for
If pain is dragging you down, just cut the ankle cord
That’s when the weight lifted and I really started living
That’s what my hate shifted and I really started giving
That’s when my fate twisted, it was like an ego exorcism
Your mind state can be the most powerful of prisons
My father never played catch with me, or gave advice
But if nothing else, that man gave me my life
And that’s enough for me, if that is all he can ever give
‘Cause I’m appreciative for every day I get to live
And even though I don’t need my dad to validate me
I thought that I should write this poem
To thank him for creating me
Because every moment we are alive is like a gift
And if that’s not enough to forgive, then what is?
I’m staring at the number wondering if I should call
I can hear the tick tock from the clock on the wall
As it meshes with the thump thump beat of my heart
Sometimes getting something started is the hardest part