the door

What was existence like before the wellness wave? I can certainly remember, but at the risk of dating myself, I was pretty young. Now everywhere I look there is some sort of vegan bakery adjacent to a yoga-spin studio with an infrared sauna that offers reiki healing sessions and of course, a crystal shop. Maybe you can even get a tarot reading after class. Don’t get me wrong, I think that the conscious shift in “wellness”, “mindfulness” and “spirituality” is a wonderful one. I have enjoyed playing around with tarot cards, trying kundalini yoga and even have a couple of crystals in my drawer. It would be absolutely hypocritical for me to judge any of these health trends. What does concern me, however, is that they can be limiting.

What do I mean by this? I believe I mentioned in a previous post somewhere that I don’t think of “spirituality” in the typical sense and I don’t even use the word anymore because it is now associated with a formula. That is why the words in the previous paragraph are all in quotation marks. They all have very different meanings for me. I believe if we all really sat down with these concepts, we would find that we have very unique and equally beautiful essences that we associate with these words. However, I think we don’t take the time to sit with what they really mean to us. Now someone is “healthy”, “mindful” and “spiritual” as long as they grab their cold-pressed beet juice on their way out the door to their energetic healing session. This is not about saying that every trend is bad and you’re bad if you engage with any of them. Just imagine if you didn’t stop at the formula and investigated what it means for yourself.

Again, I started in that exact same place when I wanted to step outside of what I already knew and take a peek into a world that seemed so unlike the world I already knew. I was fascinated by astrology (still love it by the way), tarot, crystals, chakras etc. and I have definitely written about some of those experiences here. It was only a couple years after I had begun that exploration that something didn’t feel quite right. This quest had originally begun with some traumatic experiences I felt the need to gain the answers for at the time. In some ways at certain points I felt like I got my answers and in some ways I felt like I just had more questions. Either way, there was a piece missing.

I thought things were getting weird in my life when I started paying attention to the moon cycles. Now I know that things didn’t get weird until way after that. At the time I didn’t realize it but what I really wanted to know was, “who am I outside all of this?”. By this I mean everything everyone is already talking about e.g. subconscious deprogramming, inner-child work, ancestral healing, shadow work, etc.. To me it seemed like there wasn’t much of a difference between those who were “spiritual” and those who “weren’t” because no matter what category you fell into there were patterns and rules. In other words, there are ways to be spiritual and ways not to be. Depending on the way you think of this world, what affirmations you do or don’t say, whether you enjoy an açaí bowl, etc. you could be classified as a “spiritual” person or not.

F*ck that. Once I began existing outside of all of that, I realized that there always seemed to be a piece missing because none of it was mine. I didn’t come up with any of it. I certainly did not discover the chakra system or feng shui. They are all wonderful tools I believe that some people are able to make an amazing difference with what they know about those systems of thought. I’m no expert on astrology and it’s always way more complex the more I get to know it, so I found some astrologers who are absolute geniuses in the area. They have committed their hearts to it. Although, if there is even a small part of you that isn’t sold on what is already out there, follow that feeling and create something new.

You don’t have to only explore what seems to already be present. You are simply not limited to that if you are willing to go beyond. The way we engage with “spirituality” as a concept interests me because everything that you see everywhere is just being repeated somewhere else. Maybe it has a slight spin on it so it looks a bit different but everything is becoming incredibly repetitive. I admire the two astrologers I mentioned above because every time I engage with their content, I am blown away. It’s as if no one can see astrology the way that they can. They ventured beyond. The information that is out there is not problematic whatsoever. It would just be sad if that’s where people stopped.

Consider this question:

What is love to you?

What comes up? It could be literally anything. Maybe it’s the love you have felt in romantic relationships, for your family, with yourself, when you’re in a certain place… anything really. Is this answer yours? That’s what I really want to know. If you asked me to answer that fifteen years ago I would have said something about family; five years ago it probably would have been a less simple answer; two years ago I was so confused about everything anyway so I wouldn’t even know what to tell you. 

Whatever your initial answer was, don’t stop there. Don’t stop until you know it came from your heart and your heart alone.

My answer? It doesn’t matter. I can’t even put it into words. I would have to show you somehow to even attempt to do it justice. That’s what makes it sometimes so difficult to describe. I find it beautiful when I ask people that question and sometimes they don’t know how to answer. I do believe there is a difference between genuine awe of something so incredible where there are just no words and someone who is giving a vague description of “unconditional love” on the internet.

This is where it gets tricky: I’ve asked you what you think love is but what if I asked you how you observe or interactwith Spirit/God/Creation/etc.? Your unique answer is what “spirituality” means to me. It doesn’t have to mean the same thing to you but a lot of magic comes from that answer or even as you ponder it for awhile. This is what meditation means to me. It’s not just sitting in the lotus position for thirty minutes or even four hours. To me, meditation is a commitment to a life of observance. Do not underestimate meditation. Meditation has shown me that the world is in a deep state of meditation and everything is a portal to Spirit. Everything you can see, touch, taste, smell or hear is in deep meditation. They are doors. When you observe them, they are opportunities to understand your spirit with great depth. There is a part of you that is also in deep meditation. You are able to access this “self” at any time. Once I moved into this state of existence, the world opened up to me in indescribable ways.

Here is one example: I mentioned earlier that I dabbled in many esoteric practices. What I found the most confusing to me is that all of them made sense. I have always been that way with any philosophy or religion. I was raised on Catholic principles, but there was a part of me that wasn’t completely sold on it. I couldn’t ignore that any time I learned more about a different religion, it felt like it made sense. It may not feel right for me but there was no reason that “my religion” was any better or more true than anyone else’s. Then came in philosophy and there was nothing I heard from Locke, Kierkegaard, Heidegger, Sartre, Hobbes, or Beauvoir that seemed more “accurate” than the other.

Well what if they were all true?

How is that? How could they all be true if some of them directly oppose the other? How could they all be true simultaneously?

That is the only thing that makes sense to me… that is everything is simultaneously true and untrue at the same time. The only thing that is “true” is that reality doesn’t have a pattern and not even that is true!

Before I lose you, I promise this isn’t some hippie bullsh*it. Maybe you know exactly what I am talking about and maybe you have heard it before. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense. I just wanted to provide an example of one of the infinite ways there are to experience this world. Those several sentences are only the beginning. If it didn’t make any sense, consider this question:

How do you interpret the energy around you?

If it still seems crazy, this language isn’t for you. What do I mean by that? The way I see the world is comparable to the way we experience languages. I know Latin, Spanish and English. There are some inconsistencies between the three, especially since Latin to many is a dead language, but they are all different ways of describing the human experience. No language is more valid than the next. Sure some are spoken more than others such as Mandarin, English, Spanish, Hindi and Arabic but none of them are superior. For me, it is the same way with how we experience life. You have your own personal language. On the surface, I may be writing this in English and you may speak Bengali. I can’t speak Bengali but that doesn’t make English any better just because that’s what I am comfortable with. I may not know the inner workings of your world or your perspective, but just because I don’t understand doesn’t make it invalid. They aren’t ranked on some sort of hierarchal scale because they all need one another to exist. This itself is not a new concept. Could you imagine yourself alone? This means without people, places, sounds, smells, tastes… who or what are you? How can you even exist without anyone to provide that comparison? How does light exist without dark? Smart without stupid? Start without end? Pretty without ugly? “You” don’t exist without “the world” and “the world” doesn’t exist without “you”. I see the universe as a rhythm of opposites. They all create one another. That complex rhythm is what creates your personal language or understanding of consciousness.

We all have our own languages influenced by experiences, information we receive, biology, the people that surround us, the people that surrounded them… the list is infinite. To me, everything is energy translated through infinite languages. I know the world through this concept of languages. How do you know the world?

I mentioned that the information about existence via comparison is not new. What is new is how I understand the world now as a result of this meditation. What is also new is what you can create as well. The physical world is beautiful. Everything you can perceive is a door to something unknown, including your own mind. Observe it. By the way, this is not the only way. I am only able to tell you about where I have been. It is open to everyone. That is where you can begin.

When I say that the world really opened up to me once I started seeing it in unique languages, I found within myself the deepest compassion, patience and love, far beyond anything I have ever known. I wouldn’t have even known it existed if I just accepted what “spirituality” “should” be or look like. Without sounding like a Disney movie, there is a whole world inside of my soul, untapped. Now I also know that about other people, which is why I am writing this. I may not be able to read your spirit or know the way that you know love, I just feel that infinite energy whenever I am around people. The concept of languages is where everything really began and I have no idea where it “ends” or what that would even mean. We all have an infinite ocean as our own essence. Can you imagine what it would be like to find out what is there and what you can create with what you discover?

Nothing I am writing is polished and it never has been because it always ignites a new flame. Usually after I finish writing I find I have so many more ideas I didn’t even include. Anything I have written in the past have been in varying languages (or from different perspectives). I am sure that if I read this in a month it would seem incomplete. It isn’t meant to be complete. I know everything I observe or experience is just the start of a new understanding of consciousness, realm or plane of existence. It is a door. Now I am moving into a space where I want to consciously create a space for the unseen and unknown parts of my existence. How do I intend to do this? Quite honestly I am unsure because if I use words, that is limiting the multidimensionality of what I observe. I am always getting to know new dimensions of myself. It has surprised me more than I ever expected what I have found. My hope is that through sharing, you are inspired to have experiences that are outside of this reality as we know it. My words are doors that I have walked through. If anything, my intention is to articulate as many dimensions of my existence as possible to provide examples of how every event is a doorway to unimaginable and quantum other-worlds. 

Do you remember when I mentioned that the world is in a deep meditation? All physical information is equal in this way. They are all equal doorways to a new understanding or depth of consciousness. For instance, every entry on this blog is just that, a door. I can present the information to you, but all it is is information just like everything else you observe. What you do with it is up to you. Agree, disagree, love or hate it… I promise that is not what really matters. Consider how you interact/observe with yourself as you interact with the information. It is unknown to me what you will see on the other side if you choose to examine this question.

Do not let anyone tell you what knowing, and I mean really knowing yourself looks or feels like. Do not let anyone tell you that your relationship with whatever it is you believe in needs to be a certain way. It doesn’t. Whether it is a wellness/spirituality trend or something else entirely that peaks your interest, it doesn’t matter. That is just a start or a portal. Go a little bit further than you believe you can. Don’t be afraid to touch the unknown or un-sane. Only you can know your unknown and share it with someone who may really need to hear what you have to say. Push and even let go of those boundaries that are keeping you in a comfortable place. You will be astonished as to where you begin. 

with love, katie