I haven’t really made a habit of paying attention to the moon phases in the past. It was something I was always curious about, but I wasn’t sure how it really connected to me. It took me awhile to even notice that I did feel connected to the moon, I just didn’t have the language to describe that connection. About twelve full moons ago, I was crying myself to sleep. I remember that it was a full moon because I wanted more than anything to get some sleep that night and it was really bright outside. (It was also easy to fact check because you can look up anything on the internet nowadays). A couple hours earlier I had the worst fight I have ever had with anyone in my entire life. I am usually a very calm, quiet person. I can be very emotional, but I don’t always express that. That night I had a very hard time holding everything in, as I had for the past decade. I was screaming at the top of my lungs with hot, rather salty, tears streaming down my face. About what? It actually doesn’t matter. Our argument, or rather my meltdown, was a culmination of everything that had happened over the past several years. It was a long time coming and that night I finally lost it. I totally cracked. It was as if I left my body and I was just observing the words flying out of my mouth, noticing that it was too late to reel everything back in. It was a night of immense release and I needed it so I could begin to move on with my life. Every little thing that needed to come out came out that night so that I wouldn’t have to hold onto it anymore. Every truth that was kept in the dark either from someone else or myself was brought to the surface. Everything was being cleared out. I noticed yesterday that I was thinking about that night and how much has changed since then, twelve full moons later. I couldn’t be more grateful for it.
That argument with my father was crazy embarrassing, but it needed to happen. You know those moments that you hope everyone forgets, but you know that they can’t because the only way that that could happened is if aliens abducted them and erased their memories? Unfortunately for me, this was that kind of unforgettable. That night is such a blur that I can’t even remember how it started, though I suspect it was over something trivial like the dishes. That is always how it begins right? The smallest things can draw so much out of us when we keep so much inside. That night is incredibly special to me because the full moon shed light on some of my deepest, darkest shadows. I always kind of knew that they were there but refused to acknowledge them. I didn’t think that they were that big of a deal. That night, I knew that they had taken over my life. When things started to quiet down, my father’s second wife came in the bedroom to talk to me. We have had an interesting history so I was surprised to see her. She said that she didn’t know what was going on with me but clearly something needed to change. Though I didn’t completely understand it at the time, she was absolutely right. I knew something needed to change because I couldn’t continue living this way. I could live with all of the sadness and heaviness inside of my heart. I wasn’t sure what I needed to do (figuring that out came much later), but things could not remain the same. Even though my head was pounding and fuzzy, I never felt better. I felt confused but filled with hope because this was the first time I was actually in my power to do something. You can’t change or heal something if you don’t even acknowledge its existence. I was so used to denying that something needed to change for the longest time. I didn’t know it but I was disempowering myself because you can’t deal with something that “doesn’t exist”.
My parents are my soulmates. I don’t think of “soulmates” as romantic partners; otherwise this got really weird, really quickly. I used to think my mom was the only soulmate I knew because I have had the most trouble with her. It wasn’t regular mother-daughter stuff. This was supernatural. I could really feel that there was something else, something inexplicable, that was infused in our relationship. I actually received an Akashic Records reading (I was really confused) and the reader told me I shared three past lifetimes with my mom. For one of them we were mother and daughter as we are now (so we have had practice in this dynamic). In another we were actually in a romantic relationship and things didn’t work out too well (makes total sense to me that we didn’t get along). Finally, I was her boss in some sort of work situation (I can’t even imagine…). It is all so fascinating. I don’t know that they are all “true”, but what I do know is that there is something special there. Both of my parents, my mother especially, have a special talent of revealing every single shadow that I have. I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to drag it out. I love them both very much, but this can be a bit much. It is as if you are being challenged all the time with very little room for recovery before the next trial comes. The argument with my dad on the full moon was the tip of the iceberg. Several months after, I moved in with my mother as I continued to figure out my life. I figured that things were so bad with my dad that nothing could be worse than that. I clearly forgot what it was like to live with my mother after not living with her for years. I left one tense situation and moved into an even more intense one. For eight months she revealed parts of my soul that I didn’t even know existed. In every argument, misunderstanding, and heart-to-heart moment I learned something new about myself.
I felt really alone during this time. It was hard because I wasn’t sure what was happening. I was so confused and since I couldn’t make sense of it myself, I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else. I couldn’t rely on my parents to hold space for me because not only were they the one dragging everything out of me but also they don’t really know how. We all have things that come natural to us and learning curves. Holding a loving, nurturing space is not something that comes naturally to my parents. I used to resent them for this, but now I understand them. You cannot hold any kind of space for anyone if you don’t know how to do it for myself. I could see it in my dad’s eyes that night that he had no idea what to do… he also said verbatim that he didn’t know what to do. He had no idea how to help me and felt he could do everything that he could. I didn’t understand it at the time, but he was telling the truth. He was doing his best with what he had. I expected that he should be able to whip out what I needed out of nowhere and that was very unfair of me. I couldn’t comprehend that he really didn’t know how to just be there for me I thought he was just refusing to do so and I was wrong. This frustrated me until I realized that the best someone can do has nothing to do with you. My parents abilities to be there for me had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with themselves. I thought that I wasn’t worth the trouble of them trying to listen to me. In order for them to listen to me in the way that I needed, they would have needed to do that for themselves first. It just took me awhile to take my head out of my a*s to understand this. If someone cannot Love* you and hold space for you, it is not because you don’t deserve it. If they can’t do it for you it is because they aren’t in the habit of doing it for themselves. We spend so much time trying to gain the Love and respect of people that do not Love and respect themselves. It isn’t personal. This was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Since my parents were unable to help me, I learned how to help myself. I couldn’t ask anyone else to do it for me because I didn’t even know what to say. Now I don’t need anyone to do this for me. It wasn’t easy at first, since I was so used to keeping everything inside, but I found my way. I sat with myself and journaled to get everything down for twenty months. I wrote down everything from things that made no sense and things that that made even less sense than no sense. There were times when I felt so discouraged because I didn’t think that anything was changing.
I didn’t understand it at the time but I was transforming all of the unknown dimensions within myself into something known and tangible that would later allow me to make some key changes (more on this here). Those unknown-knowns were guiding me through the dark. Every time my parents revealed something about myself I wrote it down. Every single time I felt something about what they were saying to me, I gave it a space. I got used to collecting these feelings pieces to a puzzle. There seemed to be hundreds of pieces. I wasn’t sure how they all fit, but I kept going. I had clues here and there as to what the final product would look like. The picture was still fuzzy, but I was gaining more and more clarity. This would have never happened if I wasn’t open to the guidance. Even when things seem overwhelming, your heart needs to remain open. This was the only way I was able to see in the dark.
Every single part of me that needed to be released immediately was gone. It was really hard, unforgiving, and uncomfortable. I learned very quickly that there was no room for that anymore if I wanted lasting change. You always have the choice to remain comfortable and the same. However, when you are making room for your Spirit things naturally fall away. I realized that there was no room for both Love in my life and a majority of the lifestyle choices I had previously made that were not from Love. The Love and everything created from Love remained, everything else left. The change just happened. It wasn’t all at once… it all happened at the right time.
This change was reflected everywhere in my life. When you shift something within your core, the dominos naturally fall. I didn’t have to actively take inventory of every space of my life including relationships, health, family, professional goals, etc. Everything just began to fall into place. It wasn’t graceful, things just happened as they were meant to. Everything that I was holding onto so tightly, everything I thought I wouldn’t survive without, disappeared. I didn’t have the energy to hold onto them anymore. They just didn’t fit. It is so amazing to look back and see what I thought created my life. All of those things I thought I needed were holding me back. They were created from darkness. Darkness is a form of Love, as well as anything that exists. Darkness is Love waiting to be transformed into something else. I just didn’t want to live in my shadow anymore.
I would have none of this without my parents. They really gave me everything. My relationship with myself and Love wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t be able to write the way that I do now. I certainly wouldn’t be able to hold space and show up for myself as an expression of Love. Everything that I discovered about myself would have remained buried. All of the shadows and their beauty would have gone unnoticed. I thought for the longest time that my parents must really hate me because my relationships with them were that challenging and I couldn’t figure out why. I was unable to see the bigger picture. By revealing the different dimensions of my shadow they showed me my expression of Love. I have always been surrounded by opportunities for healing and growth. They pushed me in ways that I didn’t even know were possible and I am so much better for it. I thought all of the wounds I endured were destroying my spirit. Twelve full moons later I understood how they created my life.
My parents are still my parents. They can still seem impossible to deal with. They haven’t changed and neither has their role in my life. I just approach it differently now. I am able to find great clarity amongst situations where I previously only saw confusion and darkness. There is no way to bypass the emotion and I wouldn’t even want to. I still get upset and hurt just like anyone else. I can be upset and know the true meaning behind the interaction. These situations push me far outside of my comfort zone and teach me how to Love in ways I couldn’t comprehend before. How could I not be thankful for that?
My parents showed me how to own my soul in a way I never even imagined. Every single shadow that they highlighted and continue to show me is integrated. They are all welcome and transformed with Love. When I was able to look at all of the pieces I gathered after years and years of pain, I understood my Spirit. No matter what happened, I always held space for those pieces of myself. I finally got to place the last piece in the puzzle yesterday.
My relationships with my soulmates have taught me that there is Love everywhere waiting to be discovered. You are everywhere, waiting to be discovered.
with love, katie
*Love/Higher Self/God/Source/Spirit/Creation/Consciousness/Unmanifested/The Eternal/Soul/Everything/Nothing/All That Is/Infinity/The Unknown/The Witness/Being/Existence… you fill in the blank…