the pilgrim

Think about the most difficult experience or string of experiences you have ever had in your life. I don’t mean difficult as in negative or sad, though it might be. I mean difficult as in they required more Love* and energy to expand yourself. Perhaps uncomfortable is the better word. Discomfort can be painful, exciting, devastating, surprising, and extraordinary all at the same time. Some of my more difficult and uncomfortable experiences have been with emotional abuse, sexual abuse, certain relationships, etc. Those were absolutely painful. There is no way to sugarcoat it. It has taken an immense amount of Love to be able to see how those strenuous outward journeys led me even closer to my heart.

It can be incredibly dangerous to not acknowledge our feelings when it does come to more inherently painful experiences. I used to disempower myself by not taking my feelings seriously. I didn’t think they were justified or real. Meanwhile, I was staying in situations that were absolutely crushing my Spirit. It took me a lot of time, Love, and energy to discover where my power came from. There are infinite sources. One of them was understanding how everything that was happening on the outside was moving me closer to my heart. I didn’t notice it at first because I was at a place in my life where I didn’t believe in things I couldn’t see. I didn’t see my emotions as real because I couldn’t even hold space for them within myself. I bottled them up and dishonored them. No one could see how hurt I was and neither could I. There is no power in that. It was only once I began to honor my emotions that I could see them as a compass that led me on a journey inward. Every relationship that pushed me out of my comfort zone, abusive interaction that has broken my heart, etc. has been an outward and inward journey. From those journeys I learned about the power that comes from experiencing so many different expressions of Love all at once.

How can emotional abuse be Loving? Again, there is no sugarcoating over here. I mean it when I say that the person I have had emotionally abusive relationships with have been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. They truly broke my heart. When I was in those instances drenched with sadness, it was as if I left my body and I could see my heart physically breaking in slow motion. But do you know what else I was able to know? I could somehow understand where it was all coming from. That has been incredibly illuminating. I am not psychic. I wouldn’t say I could see into that person’s history and pinpoint the exact reason why in detail or tell you about their past lives or anything. I could just feel it and know it with great clarity, I realized that it was okay for me to feel deeply saddened and understand where the emotional abuse was coming from. It all happened in the same moment. It was as if my Consciousness was split in half: one half was holding space for me when I was crumbling and the other was reminding me that behind the sharp words there was still a person there. No matter what you believe in, I believe it can be supportive to see the Love within everyone. This doesn’t mean take your own power away by dishonoring how you feel. It can hurt. I have had some very unspeakable things said to me. There are too many to count. There is room to feel hurt; honor and understand your personal pain; and know the Love within someone else. It doesn’t make those things okay. They can not be okay. It is more than possible to honor your own emotions in a way that doesn’t demonize the other person. It doesn’t have to be about you being “right” and because you feel they mistreated you that now they are in the wrong. Your feelings are real. Whatever you feel is real no matter who else can perceive or understand it. That doesn’t have to turn the other person into the villain of the story. You still have the opportunity to see Love within them. The more you engage with this the more you see that there are so many different expressions of Love to connect to. This isn’t just for the heavy stuff. The Wisdom is everywhere. Love has no bounds. It is in every moment of your life. Notice it. Learn about the many different dimensions fo Love. Love will begin to reveal itself in every moment. As you journey through this existence, connect what you are experiencing on the outside to the Love within you.

We are all just people. No matter what someone does or says to you, they are just a person. I have had my fair share of difficulty and in some respects, I have probably had it pretty easy. I am not making light of they heavier things I have been through, but going into great detail would distract from the core of this. I don’t think I could speak for the worst of the worst. I do believe that everyone deserves compassion because of the capability for the Love inside of them. There are many moments when I wished someone could have seen this in me. The more you know Love by paying attention and making the connections between your outer and inner worlds, the more you will understand it within everyone else. You don’t even have to do it for them, do it for yourself. Practice this for how you want to carry yourself along your path. It would have been all to easy to try and hurt someone back the way they hurt me or play the victim when I very well could have. But where does that get me? I’ll tell you because I have done it: sad, confused, anxious, disconnected, hurt, and alone. Now what about compassion? Where would that lead me? I am writing this aren’t I….

Arriving here wasn’t easy. I don’t take it for granted. I wasn’t always able to see the wisdom, experience, and meaning within the outer journey that is this life. I had to practice connecting the Love within myself to my outer world, no matter what. Whether I was just in the grocery store, talking to a friend, or in an uncomfortable conversation, I connected. It is everywhere outside of you and within the deepest parts of your soul. You have to feel it, know it, or however you understand the role Love has in your life. It could be hearing, seeing, touching, etc. It could be anything really. Through cultivating this connection to Love in some of these more intense experiences I have been able to feel it everywhere. Allow this to guide you.

This has the potential to shake up how you move through this world. I have been talking a lot about interaction with other people but it could be anything. I can only write what I know. This didn’t always sound appealing or easy to me. It was only when I tried it a couple of times that I felt so much better, even when it seemed like everything was falling apart. It is a very interesting feeling but you get used to it. Love has so many different manifestations. There are manifestations that you can perceive and understand. Then there are the ones that you may not even know are possible. They will come to you when you need them. If you ever feel stuck, just ask for Love and see what comes through. Infuse it with your outer world. It has definitely surprised me. Feeling Love you didn’t even know existed is just one expression of magic within this universe.

This will radically expand the amount of Love you are able to see in the world. Don’t allow your heart to get stuck. My heart got stuck in moments where I believed what someone would say about me. It got stuck in thoughts about how, “I probably deserve everything that they are saying toward me”, “what can I do to somehow make them like me so they won’t say those things again”, etc. Or maybe I was just being “too sensitive” and making it all up. It could get stuck in the opposite sometimes of, “how could they say those things about me”, “they are supposed to love me”, “what they are saying is just plain wrong”, etc. Embracing the endless amounts of Love and compassion has set my heart free. You become more flexible as you adjust to its rhythm. When you allow Love to move from inside of you so you are in synch with whatever is happening on the outside, you can find expansion, growth, and freedom. If Love is stagnant within you, if you are withholding Love, your heart can become stagnant. Allow your heart to be in motion.

How does Love speak to you? Once you know this and you are comfortable you will see bit by bit how things change. There is an infinite amount of Love to go around. This will protect you on the most fun, exhausting, perplexing, saddening, awe-inspiring adventures. You don’t have to be afraid of anything in this life with your heart in motion.

When you are available for Love to move through you, you allow your inner Spirit to come out. Your soul becomes vulnerable and visible. It cannot be harmed by anyone. Vulnerable does not mean weak. Vulnerability and openness is what allows your soul to be expressed. It lets Love in. Imagine what the world would be like if we all offered this level of vulnerability. Love is natural. As you connect to the Wisdom Love has to provide, you move even closer to your heart and who you are. That is then reflected in everything you do and the result is seen in every space of your life.

Don’t forget to protect yourself, but do it with Love. As I said before, dishonoring how I feel and what I know was harming me prolonged a lot of pain that I didn’t need. I used to think that emotional abuse wasn’t real because it didn’t leave any scars. Nothing. Not a trace. It was only through physical abuse that I understood they are equally painful. My heart hurt either way. You protect yourself by welcoming that Love within yourself. You protect yourself by knowing and acknowledging what you know you need. You protect yourself with Loving boundaries. You protect yourself by knowing you only deserve Love as you move along your path. You protect yourself by knowing when you are coming from Love so you can know when someone else may not be. You protect yourself by also understanding that everyone has the capability to act from Love, even if it seems like they are not in the moment. You protect yourself and identity as Love by seeing the same in everyone in every moment. Also, protect the hearts of others. There will be so many people that move in and out of your life. It may seem like some are more pleasant than others. You may believe they were put in your path. You may not believe anything like that whatsoever. Either way, wouldn’t you want to do everything that you can to treat them with Love and respect, knowing that there is Love within them as well?

You receive what you give. When you are constantly giving Love to those who at a first glance may not seem like they deserve it, you receive Love back. It may not necessarily be from them, though sometimes it can. More importantly, you feel Love because you see yourself and the capacity you have to Love. When you infuse your life with Love, there is Love wherever you choose to go. Then you are always receiving those endless amounts of Love from yourself. What more do you need?

with love, katie

*Love/Higher Self/God/Source/Spirit/Creation/Consciousness/Unmanifested/The Eternal/Soul/Everything/Nothing/All That Is/Infinity/The Unknown/The Witness/… you fill in the blank…

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