the feeling part two: home

the feeling part one: https://roseandcactusquartz.com/2019/06/23/the-feeling/

Note: I promise this post has a grounded element to it if you give it a chance. It may not seem like it does in the beginning but I like to think there is something here for everyone 🙂

What if I told you you could feel the most amazing love every day of your life?

Honestly if I heard myself say that about a year ago, I would have said I was full of sh*t.

About a year ago I knew there was something missing in my life. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, which made it all the more frustrating. I looked for it everywhere. I searched in my relationships, school, jobs, the lack thereof, and even under the bed. I didn’t know what I was looking for and I was so upset that I couldn’t find it. Then I would be even more frustrated that I didn’t even know what it was! What could be so important that so many people seem to have it and I am the the only one that doesn’t?

The search really began about three years ago. After going through some painful experiences, I was looking for anything and everything that would make me feel different. Not even better, just something different. I was so tired of being sad and anxious, and even more so of being tired. I didn’t know how to make sense of anything that had happened in my life up until that point. I also really needed everything to make sense. All I felt was the heaviness of my life and I desperately needed some sort of answer as to what was going on.

I guess that’s where the dance with “spirituality” began. I couldn’t help but be curious. Everyone who seemed to subscribe to that “way of life” seemed to be happy all the time, so why not give it a shot? I devoured all of the books, a lot of meditations, medicines, etc. and it helped. But it took me about two years to realize that while all of this new information was intriguing and was having a positive impact, it wasn’t quite what I was looking for.

About a week ago I was just sitting in the bath enjoying the summer afternoon. There wasn’t anything particularly special about the day. My mom was at work and ever since my grandma passed away a couple of weeks ago, I found comfort by being alone in her space. I wasn’t really thinking about anything either. It was just really nice to relax, especially since I hadn’t been getting along with some of my other family lately. There seemed to be some sort of tension everywhere, except for my mother’s bathtub.

I sat in the bath for three hours with no purpose other than to be with myself. That is when the magic happened. I got this “download”, “feeling” or “inner knowing” that I was with God in that moment and God has always been there.

If you have read any of my previous posts, I use God and Spirit interchangeably. To me they are they same thing as the Universe, Higher Self, Presence, Consciousness etc. just with different labels. Oddly enough, this story isn’t really about me. I just need it as context to share what it taught me about not only myself, but more importantly everyone and everything else. I have always believed in a “higher power” and write about it a lot because this belief has profoundly shifted my life. The way I am describing the moment may seem ordinary, but the feeling was just very different. I always had a belief that we can all connect to something greater than ourselves. Now it is more of a deep feeling and knowing. Maybe I was more emotional that day so the connection and feeling was more intense, but it was very unique and it transformed my entire world.

Everyone has a way of interpreting the energy around them. All this world is, is energy. If you’re not into the “woo woo” stuff, before I lose you, this can also translate to “perception”. Some people describe themselves as “spiritual”, “religious”, “atheist”, “spiritual atheist” etc. and no way of interpreting the world around you is more or less correct. Your language colors the world. Everyone has some sort of perception. It is up to you to decide what you want to label it. What I may call God or Spirit, someone else may call Love, Consciousness, systems of beliefs, ways of thinking, philosophies about the universe, ego, mind, or may not label it at all.

I’m not usually one to quote yogis, but here it goes:

“If you can’t see God in all, you can’t see God at all”

– Yogi Bhajan

“Spirituality” is everywhere. There is nothing that makes you more or less “spiritual” than the next person, even if you call it something different. To me, being “spiritual” is just wanting to know yourself better. Everyone has their own personal experience and relationship with getting to know themselves.

This is the way I currently understand Source (it’s always shifting, even just a little bit 🙂 ): there is a field of infinite and Unconditional Love that is available to all of us. We all have the opportunity to access it in different ways. Some may tap into the field through intuition, meditation, yoga, journaling or none of the above (I have some examples later). Think of every person or thing that you see as a kaleidoscope. The shapes and colors within any kaleidoscope are past experiences, emotions, thoughts, mind, the subconscious… everything that makes you, you within the third dimensional world creates that unique kaleidoscope. We all have infinitely beautiful and unique kaleidoscopes with different shapes and colors. Imagine that field of infinite Love being filtered through your kaleidoscope. You are Love/Spirit/God just through that kaleidoscope, which in this metaphor is your perception or understanding of Consciousness/the world. I also like to think of it as your relationship with the energy around you and if you believe in God or Spirit, then your perception is directly connected to how you perceive Spirit/God/The Universe. Everything I see is Love. You can choose to understand the world that way, too.

As I said before, the feeling I experienced was so important to me because not only have I only seen Spirit/God in everything since then, I also feel more deeply aware of how we all love in very different ways and that is connected to how we experience the World. For example, I believe spirituality is everywhere. I don’t believe that the physical and spiritual are separate. Sure if you change your perspective a little you can interact with the world in different ways, but God is everywhere. The huge difference for me is that before I could change my perception surrounding difficult situations and see that there is a “reason for everything”. Now I can’t help but see Spirit everywhere. It’s as if before the switch would turn off and on, now it’s just on. Now I feel Peace for the first time.

What I didn’t realize was that I was craving a Home. I was trying to come “home” to myself and find security within myself. I had no idea what that would look like, but I wanted a “truth” I could always have be there for me no matter what was happening in my life. I just wanted that eternal and everlasting knowing that everything was going to be okay. “Home” to me is this relationship with Spirit and knowing God is always there. “Home” is my personal truths, or lack thereof about the world. It’s my “inner knowing” that guides me through every Moment. The amazing part is that you can decide whatever your “truth” is. You will know it’s yours because your heart will sing and register it as genuine. Discovering this and living in alignment according to your own perception of this world/relationship with it is where the magic can be. Don’t be afraid to really make it yours. Maybe getting to know yourself will radically change you or maybe you’ve known all along and nothing changes. Either way, there are such expansive gifts to receive from The Universe/your Higher Self when you’re not afraid of how others will perceive you or how you “should” be. I have peace knowing that no matter what I am doing in this life, I am getting to know God in a unique way. Also, it’s not just for me. I also feel amazing, comforted, and guided knowing there is space and love for everyone and everything in this world. I feel that Spirit is always with my sister, mother, father, everyone I can and can’t see, guiding them home to themselves There is no way that is better or worse, just different and that field of Unconditional Love/ your Higher Self is always there. The feeling I get from this knowing is pure love and peace. For the first time, I really found home within myself.

The beautiful thing is, it doesn’t matter how you arrive at this. I have heard of incredible stories of people getting this “feeling” after going through a drive through at In n’ Out or climbing an avocado tree in Hawaii. God is everywhere and so there is a portal or an opportunity/invitation to know Spirit/Unconditional Love in every moment. There are infinite unique opportunities for you experience what some would call Oneness. I understand everyone preaching spirituality, religion, etc. because so many people want everyone to feel that immense love and connection, especially in a world that is so difficult. That’s why I wanted it a couple years back. I heard of these people experiencing this other worldly feeling at gas stations and ayahuasca ceremonies and I wondered what I was doing so wrong that I couldn’t have it too. It’s everywhere and no two experiences of Love look the same because we all have different perceptions/understandings of Consciousness/interpretations of the energy surrounding us. Remember the kaleidoscope example? This allows for us to all have different opportunities to go through unique doors to feel this Connection. Some people feel it through other portals such as reiki, astrology, community, tarot, playing with your pets, playing with someone else’s pets, crystals, singing bowls, running, playing with children, yoga, spending time in a garden, being under the stars in a desert, naked and free in the middle of a waterfall, hiking, etc.. There is no “wrong”, “inferior” or “more/less spiritual” door. God/Spirit is not greater/less in different forms.

I also want to note that even though I am framing this feeling as an experience of Spirit, yours may have nothing to do with that. I am only using this experience to provide an example. Your feeling of love may come from aligning with your truth, getting to know yourself, or it could be God. I have no idea. I can only comment on what I know. I wish I could capture the infinitely diverse experiences of love through writing. But if I could tell you about yours then it wouldn’t really be yours, would it?

There is no connection I have experienced quite like this one. I wondered for a split second if this was what everyone had been talking about since the beginning of time; the feeling that has brought people to their knees in tears. I would love everyone to feel the Love that I feel and the reason I am writing this is because if you are looking for it, you will know when you find it. I know how that sounds, but also remember that it likely won’t look like anyone else’s experience. It can be beautiful and incredibly frustrating that our own personal “spiritual” (trying to be more concise, you get the gist) experiences of Love are all different. The feeling or connection to Source could be the same, but how can you ever know? Even more of a reason to not let anyone else’s experiences dictate your truth. Some may believe you can only experience it through a certain religion, special diet or by meditation for seventy nine years in the Blue Mountains. F*ck that. If you want it, it will come to you in your own special way. If you don’t, that’s wonderful! The feeling I am talking about is simply love and alignment. For me that is Love with a capital “L” or experiencing Spirit this way right now. If you want no part of this “way” and you feel you already have all of the love in your life, then that’s all you need. My “feeling” is no better or worse than yours. It’s all love anyway. You don’t have to give away your power by thinking that someone else’s perception, relationship to spirituality or experience of God is the only way. That’s b.s.. As I said before, the door is everywhere and you will open it if you want to. Some people look and it comes to them. I needed to stop looking for a couple hours. Personally, I have had limiting experiences with “expectations” as to what this would look like or feel like and I do believe that’s why I never felt it. It was only when I “surrendered” (air quotes because this means something different for everyone, and I have discovered it in many ways in my life… also I used to find it so frustrating before when people would use that word because I didn’t have a clue what they meant) and released any expectations or judgements surrounding “what” I was looking for, it came.

Love has infinite languages. I think it’s amazing we all have our own personal dialogue and language with Love. You have all of the power to create your own Truth/relationship with Love and so does everyone else. You don’t have to let anyone else tell you what Love/Truth/Perception feels like, sounds like or how it comes to you. There is so much creativity and magic when you give yourself the freedom to uncover your own truths about this world. This also works if you find that there is no truth! It’s still “yours” (or maybe not depending on how you see everything 😉 ). It is a life changing invitation to co-create your world from the ground up with Spirit (if you choose to perceive it that way). If you’re not into that language, think of it as getting to know yourself and what you really think of the world. As you begin to dive deep into that relationship with yourself, you are also creating a world by shifting your perception.

That moment in the bathtub was only the beginning. I am excited to get to know Spirit every day for the rest of my life no matter what form I receive that Love in in any given moment. It is not only very unique and personal but also unifying experience. Even as you innovate with Source you are becoming more connected to everything around you. This may sound vague but it’s because it is difficult for me to explain all of the nuances of my personal experience. Beyond expectations, “should”, comparison and polarity is where I found my field of magic. Where is yours? I love that Love is truly everywhere and you have your own way of finding it. You will know when it is in alignment with your heart.

Now what? Now I wake up excited every single day that I get to experience Love and God everywhere I go. Every day, moment, person, thing, etc. is an opportunity to get to know a different dimension God. I truly feel as if I see a new dimension to everything and everyone that wasn’t there before. Every time I see someone I think, “I see you.” Even if I feel or know something within the realm of the unseen, it is the same feeling. This experience could be translated a million different ways. I could say every day I have the invitation to learn about new perspectives and shift my understanding of Consciousness. I could say every day I am building a my relationship with Spirit or even that I am getting to know myself better.

I’m not sure this means that everything in my life will be “smooth sailing” ahead. I don’t control the future. I also don’t think this means that I “know who I am” and that there is nothing else to know. That would be so boring! I believe everyone who is here has something to learn/experience. I also realized that I have been getting to know Source in different ways my entire life. Source has never not been there. All that is different is that the awareness of this special relationship that I am cultivating with God/Spirit/my Higher Self is there and that is how I choose to feel my life. I am constantly co-creating and adjusting these fluid, strong foundations so that I always have that relationship with myself.

There is a very mysterious beauty about people that are aligned with their self expression. What if you were completely you? Do you feel as if you are completely yourself? I’ve been asking myself those questions lately and wondering, what is in alignment for my true self? Those who are fully embodied their Being are so attractive and magnetizing because they know what their “truth” is. That can look incredibly different for so many people. Mine does involve some concept of a higher power. What does yours? Again, this doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you are finished getting to know yourself. Or maybe it does for you. For me it is a new dimension of confidence where high just don’t need/ are seeking external validation because you know what your truth is. You don’t have anyone or anything to convince. We don’t need to live in a world where we adopt other peoples’ truths as our own. We can appreciate and be curious about them from a neutral stand point when we know our own because we won’t feel threatened. There is no reason to be threatened when you know your home and you have that security because you have nothing to prove. Developing this relationship with yourself can be the most authentically beautiful, emotional, intimate, intuitive, and vulnerable process in which you really find a new sense of home within yourself. It is also incredible to share this raw relationship and experience with others if you choose to and listen to theirs from a space of non judgement. It is an amazing ability to be able to articulate these aspects of your soul and relationship with you/Spirit/Higher Self because no one else can do it for you. I love doing it for myself through different forms of writing but there are so many other ways! What ways work well for you? There are so many ways to understand your essence and mine came through journaling and being outside. It’s hard to give concrete steps, which I found incredibly frustrating when I was just beginning. Now I understand that if everyone gave the “formula” for how to be them and someone else used it, then that person wouldn’t be themselves. As long as you set the intention to understand you soul, it will happen in your own genuine way.

There is magic in getting to know yourself for who you really are. You have the ability to fall in love with yourself and the world in ways that are indescribable by words. When you take the time to find your truth, build and nurture that relationship with yourself, you always have somewhere/someone to come home to.

with love, katie

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