the feeling

Who here has had the wonderful opportunity to live with their parents when the world considers them to be an adult?! Maybe you haven’t, but I know I’m not the only one out there. Granted, some people may look at me and not even consider me to be a quarter of an adult. It all depends on perception. For the past several months, I have had the pleasure of living with my father and stepmother. When I say “pleasure” I do mean it because not everyone is even fortunate enough to have that opportunity. It doesn’t mean that it cannot be incredibly frustrating at times.

Here is that “frustrating time” I am talking about: my stepmother and I don’t really get along and everyone knows it. My Dad just chooses to ignore it and isn’t great when it comes to conflict. I am well aware I am living under their roof and help out where I can in shared spaces. I clean up the kitchen because I know it’s the one thing they both despise doing so I figured if I could make their lives a little easier with something fairly simple, then why not do it? I enjoy being of service. However, one day my stepmother sent me this e-mail with a list of demands that included making their bed, cleaning their bathroom, picking up after them, etc. and I am not going to post it because it is unnecessarily long and you can probably already understand the picture I am painting. My gut reaction told me this was “rude” (air quotes because this is my perception) but I felt the need to tell someone to make sure I wasn’t being biased. That person told me I needed to move out immediately because my stepmother clearly had no respect for me and that they wouldn’t even speak to their maid that way if they had one. I don’t believe you should be rude to anyone. I told my Dad about it and I questioned my stepmother about her intentions. Neither one of them thought it was “rude” and this was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back. Every time in the past she has been “rude” to me I have ignored it or asked my Dad about it and he would either never acknowledge it or say that I wasn’t the nicest person to her either (very true on rare occasions) so I couldn’t complain about it. I was so frustrated so I continued to argue with him about it and that brought us nowhere.

A couple months later, I visited my grandmother in the hospital because she was told that she essentially only had three months to live with her cancer. My grandmother lives in another country so it isn’t easy to see her all the time. I was very excited to see her and had so much fun while I was there. She was in a hospital bed the entire time, slept half the time and so the most talking we did at once was picking out her menu for the week. I was so happy to be there with her I didn’t care what we talked about. As she was sleeping and my mom was out picking out some lunch, it hit me that she could be leaving the Earth very soon. Surrounding her were many Mother’s Day cards, some figurines we gathered from her apartment, medicine, food, and throughout the day the people that came to visit. That was it. Those were all of the visible, tangible, things. She also carried with her everyone she touched, all of her life experiences, and the following butterfly effect (what I call karma).

Grounded perspective: In that moment it all came together for me. There are so many people out there that believe in so many different things. Religion, religion is not a thing, treat your neighbor as you treat thyself, veganism, paleo, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, gender fluidity, gender is only binary, black lives matter, Trump is messing up our country, we are making America great again, only skinny is beautiful, everyone is beautiful, personal beliefs, etc. I could go on forever. There are infinite things to believe in that create our world. What became most important to me in that moment was living my truth, whatever that is. It is fluid, ever-changing and that is what makes it so incredible. You don’t need to worry about anyone else’s. That’s their business. We don’t need to live in a world where we argue about who’s perceptive and systems of beliefs are correct. That is from insecurity. For example, I knew that my stepmother’s email was “rude”. Out of insecurity, I ran to my Dad from the need to prove it to him and gain mental control over the situation, expecting him to admit it as well. If I were coming from a place of security, all I would need to do is know what I know. All I would need to do is be comfortable in my truth. I wouldn’t feel the need to prove it to anyone else. There’s nothing wrong with sharing experiences and perspectives, I just don’t have anything to prove.

(Another quick note on “your truth”: other people’s needs, insecurities and urgencies do not need to be your own. If someone is very insecure about eating meat, urgent about buying a car, or feels that they need to exercise sixty seven times a week, that’s wonderful for them! As long as it serves them that’s great. You don’t need to feel pressure to adopt it as a part of your personal reality. Don’t worry about who’s reality is correct because there is no such thing! They don’t have to compete. Just be comfortable with yours, as long as it serves you that is all that matters. If it doesn’t, feel free to re-evaluate and shift until it does!)

The other thing I realized was that I thought the worst of my stepmother for writing that email. It was “rude”, no doubt about that, because I perceived it that way so it was very real for me (there is a post on real vs. true; real for me doesn’t mean true for everyone else e.g. my dad and stepmother thought it was acceptable, all you can do is work with what you feel). But the way I argued about it, fixated on it, immensely disliked her for it and had these horrible thoughts about her character… I didn’t like what that email brought out within me. I didn’t want to conduct myself that way anymore. She brought me a gift because it was an invitation to change. If I didn’t like how I was behaving and how I was thinking about someone else, it was up to me to change.

Spiritual perspective: I went to this life-changing meditation in the city shortly after learning about my grandmother’s cancer. It was a meditation to learn how to connect to spirits. I had always been curious about how psychics and mediums connected to the unseen. The meditation was being lead by a shaman who I really admired. The night was incredible. I don’t even have words to describe the connection I felt with myself and the unseen. I learned how to connect to other realms and that this world is vastly more infinite beyond the visible. This was my first time doing anything like this. Not everyone in my life knows about my fascination with the infinite unseen in the world. If it comes up I have no issues sharing. Many of the friends I have made came before the realization that “spirituality” was a huge part of my life. They are very loving and nonjudgmental but we don’t really bond over it. Nevertheless, I came to this meditation because I wanted to know what it was like to be in a space with people of similar beliefs that I could talk to about my experiences. I felt at home amidst “strangers”. I finally felt at home with myself because I was allowing this very intimate, usually private, core part of myself to be seen. The meditation and people in it held space for this side of myself and finally, so was I. I was finally living my truth.

My grandmother taught me without any words that living in my truth was important. She also taught me that my word is my creation. The reason I felt so out of place within my own skin lately was because my inner reality was changing so much and I was refusing to acknowledge it because it was very uncomfortable. I knew how to live with my perceptions about the world when it correlated to everything I was taught by my parents. They laid out a blueprint for me and I knew how to live my life. High school, college, job, marriage, two kids, the whole nine yards. That belief system served me until I was about twenty. Afterwards, not so much. So it shifted. The world I created when I was twenty served me for a couple years with some minor tweaks. Then it shifted again. By the time I was twenty two I wasn’t even concerned with the question “who am I?”, because I was more worried about “what am I?”. I drew a huge blank. All of the sudden I didn’t know who I was, what I was, where I came from, what I was doing here etc. I wrestled with that for a couple of years when I was twenty and then more intensely when I was twenty two.

One day when I was driving to get some groceries, I had basically given up. Every time I tried to make sense of the world I came back with even more questions! I was listening to a podcast and one of the women mentioned a meditation technique. I thought about all the times I attempted different kinds of meditations and how none of them really felt natural to me. Suddenly, as clear as day I felt and knew the phrase “life is meditation”. Everything fell into place. Everything with my stepmother, grandmother and the meditation I went to. I pondered the phrase for a bit to see what it meant to me. Then the next phrase came: “it doesn’t matter what you do, it’s how you do it”.

Maybe the Catholics are “right” and God is up there deciding whether we go to heaven or hell. Maybe the atheists are “right” and this is the only life we have. I put the word “right” in quotations because does it really matter? We all create our own infinitely unique perceptions. They are comprised of all of the experiences, prejudices, traumas, programs, conversations, beliefs, interactions, etc. that we have been through. Even when I brought “spirituality” into my life, it didn’t necessarily give me all the answers I was looking for, it bought me more questions! Every time I learned something new or shifted my inner world, thinking that more questions would be answered, there were just different questions as a result. Our worlds are all like a unique blueprint. In that moment I lost any rationale for needing to prove my perspective. Years ago I thought that if I couldn’t prove my perspective to others and they didn’t agree that it meant mine was “wrong”. Then the experience of “right” and “wrong” didn’t serve me anymore. However, I still felt the need to discover how the world worked because I felt so lost in my own life. I thought that the “truth” could fill that hole and put me at ease. Then I realized by needing a “truth” I was inviting polarity into my life and I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I had no idea what this world was and in that moment it didn’t matter because there was no way for me to prove it. That need to prove it wasn’t serving me anymore because I was on this wild goose chase. What was more important to me was realizing that I am only able to work with what is present. I may not be able to figure out if there is even a “truth” but what I am able to do is remain present and work with the world I am constantly co-creating. What was most important to me was deciding how I wanted to experience my Being.

In some recent entries I have discussed what it is like aligning with Source/Spirit. This is a huge part of it. You have the option to align your identity with Spirit and experience your body/ego as you would experience a job, relationship, or anything else in the third density. When I considered how I wanted to experience my Being (ego/body), everything shifted. I realized that my word was my ultimate creation tool. Our words and thoughts create one hundred percent of our reality. For instance, imagine what world you would create for yourself if you told yourself you were ugly one hundred times a day versus that you were beautiful. What would that be like? What about if you did that to someone else? We literally have the ability to create safe spaces with our words. By shifting how I thought about my stepmother I was able to go from resenting her for being “rude” and “inconsiderate” to seeing that we both have Love for one another on a soul level and she was just a core part in waking me up to my potential. I have heard of “spiritual bypassing” and I believe everyone knows at their core whether they are partaking in it or not. I have taken part in “spiritual bypassing” after some traumatic events earlier in my life. This feels completely different, as if I am in a totally different world. I am more conscious of all my words, thoughts, and emotions. I am present with them when I need to be and then I know I always have the opportunity to transform them into something else. There are so many people talking about how to live a “high vibrational” life now that spirituality has gone more mainstream. If you want to experience Being that way, then that’s great! It doesn’t make the way you want to feel more or less right than anyone else’s choice to feel a certain way through a different experience. My stepmother chose to write that email because it was authentic to her. She enjoys feeling and experiencing her life and mind that way. If it weren’t for her authenticity, I would be missing this very unique piece to the puzzle. I could have experienced this as a result of many other things if she chose not to. My life now doesn’t rely on her past actions because there are infinite ways to experience a vibration. However, that doesn’t make it any less meaningful or impactful. I got the medicine I needed in the moment and I am still experiencing the quantum effects.

My stepmother and grandmother revealed to me that it didn’t matter what I was doing, what mattered was the feeling and how I wanted to experience my Being. If I felt as if I was living my truth and in alignment, great! If I felt as if a belief system was no longer serving me, time to question it.

There is this joke from Annie Hall (1977) that may bring some more clarity:

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Well why don’t you turn him in?’ and the guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. They’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

What is the “truth” of this world? I have no idea. Does that even exist? Still no clue. Right now, we are all chickens creating our own, infinitely different eggs. If you enjoy the eggs and you need them, great. If not, maybe you question the way you exist as a chicken. If that doesn’t serve you, then you don’t have to.

My grandmother taught me that at the end of your life, two of the things that may matter are the multidimensional legacy/karma you leave behind and how you experienced your life. How do you want to contribute to the universal consciousness? Every time you think or say something you are contributing to the universal consciousness. You have the opportunity to create with every word, to shift space. By simply spreading love around you are contributing to the idea that everyone is deserving of Love. That creates shifts in the Consciousness. The more we are loving and accepting of all ways to experience life, that creates shifts in consciences.

Life can be a meditation that you never break out of if you choose to observe your Being, the way that you experience it, the way you interact with “others”, how you experience “others”, how you show love to people, etc.. My mother asked me how I felt about my grandmother potentially leaving us soon. As I told her that since I was always present with her, she knew how much I loved her and I knew how much she loved me that that was the most important thing to me. Even though the doctors estimated that she has three months, that could be two weeks or a full year. The funny thing is, that’s the same with everyone! Even when my mom and I seem to get into world-ending fights, I always tell her I love her because I do not want to take her life for granted. She does the same thing. Nothing is guaranteed. Not even that is guaranteed! I decided I wanted to make sure I spread love with my words because you never know how that will impact the person who will go on to impact someone else, and so on. I decided in the hospital I didn’t want to wait until I was “three months away” to begin thinking about the multidimensional legacy I leave behind. I say “multidimensional” because it’s not just about people. From the meditation I learned it’s about the unseen world as well and how that could potentially touch others.

“Not all meditation is mindful, all mindfulness is meditation.”

I am unsure of who said that, but if you are mindful and observing your ego/being in every moment, you are mindful and the meditation never stops. You are meditating in every moment. Meditation is like breathing. As you are alive you never stop breathing. Meditation is as if you are breathing in Consciousness.

The ‘connecting to spirits’ meditation taught me that anything can be meditation. It wasn’t a “typical” meditation. Sure there was some clearing, chanting, breathing, and sitting. There was also crying, questioning, deep connection, confusion, note-taking, photography, support, communicating with spirits, and love all within that intimate space we called “meditation”. Some may argue that as soon as you begin talking or taking notes you aren’t meditating. It’s all up to you to decide within your perception.

You are able to enter meditation from anywhere. There are infinite portals because everything you see and don’t see is meditating. The stars, trees, flowers, sun, clouds, moon, mountains, rivers, Earth, and so on. Everything all at once. I didn’t realize it but I entered through journaling and observing myself. Poetry, creativity, pottery, waking, gardening, etc. can all be a portal. What changes is your quality of awareness. Thus, there are infinite portals because there are infinite opportunities for your awareness to shift. Amazing! It’s about the quality of consciousness, the feeling, versus the actual third dimensional experience. Then any third dimensional experience can became meditative. Meditation doesn’t belong to anything specific. It’s about the consciousness you bring to whatever you are engaging in.

By the way, this wasn’t easy and you can catch a glimpse of it from the note I attached below. I experienced a lot of contraction with this expansion. For a long time, I needed my old world to be the “truth”. I needed a “truth”. It was only with this download (very expansive) that I experienced this type of contraction because it invited me to question, “what is it that I need to be true?” In other words, what is it about my reality that needs to be true or my life will fall apart, I will cease to exist, the world goes to shit, upside down and then sideways? For me, it was all of the above. With this, I didn’t really exist did I? (There is more about that crisis here: ). I struggled for a long time because I wanted to hold on to old beliefs since they were comfortable. I knew how to live as I. What do you do when there is no “I”? I needed my old world to be true because I needed to exist as me. I needed my world, my container because it was all I knew. Forget even basic things like we need food and water to survive or you can’t live in the world without a college degree or even having a nuclear family when I grow up. What would I be without an identity? I also needed a “truth”. I needed something to search for, something to understand. I needed the world to make sense. With it this “truth” then what have “I” or “other people” been doing searching for “it”? I didn’t know how or what that was. It didn’t matter. Did this mean my life was a lie (not even in a cheesy way) without “the truth”? Did I waste all of my time chasing a ghost? I realized that I was comfortable if I made my way to the end of the Universe and found out that God was real in a traditional or nontraditional sense or that there was no such thing and we are in a computer simulation. What I couldn’t handle was that there was no such thing as truth. When I was so freaked out by the download, I realized that I needed the concept of “truth” and it was so hard to let go.

Now my world is so different, I can’t even explain to you how “I” am writing. I am not a chemist but when you are boiling water, you boil it for awhile and suddenly it is gas. There is no in between. Sure you are boiling it and it gets hotter, but that is hot water. What is the phase between water and gas (there may actually be one but you understand my metaphor)? It is as if there is a jump. That is what I felt driving on my way to the car to get groceries, it was a jump. It was as if my old self died and someone there was someone new there instantaneously that I didn’t know and had no time to grow comfortable with. But every time I would try (and I do mean try) to latch on to my old self, I couldn’t because it was gone. We are so used to gradual change, not something so sudden. It was water and now I was gas.

Then I tried rationalizing it (*shaking my own head*) because that is what the mind does. However, language is held in polarity. You can not describe it as “love” because “love” exists with “hatred” and it is not an experience bound in polarity. Polarity itself isn’t evil. The contrast of light and dark allows to to experience all that Is. As I said, the mind is used to gradual change. Could the mind rationalize how you can possibly disappear and then there is something entirely new and unknown in your place that is “you”?

So how do I even know what’s really going on? The simplest and most complex example I could use is being in love. Being in love is one of those things where no one can tell you whether you are or aren’t, you feel it, you know it. Sure someone could come and tell you you aren’t in love with your partner. But when you are so deeply in love, you know your truth, you live in it and no one else can change it. If you were truly in love with someone, would you let someone else and their doubts tell you differently? It’s the same type of feeling. I don’t even know what you would call it, I felt it. I can’t describe it, but I know it. Like being in love, when you know, you know.

With this, I have learned:

  1. Presence is where my power comes from.
  2. The world is what you think it is and what you create.
  3. All power comes from within, unless you choose to give it away.
  4. To Love is to unconditionally accept.
  5. Effectiveness is the measure of truth.
  6. Energy flows wherever your attention is placed and that is what you create more of.
  7. The world is infinite possibilities, everything is possible.

Sound familiar? These are pretty much the seven Hawaiian Huna. I didn’t know it at the time until it was pointed out to me. I certainly didn’t create this out of thin air, I downloaded it and it turns out, someone else did too! It’s amazing how this world works.

(More in depth descriptions: )

I may not know what is happening all the time, but staying present allows me to decide what I want to create in every moment. Speaking of creation, my world is exactly what I think it is and it changes with every thought, word, etc. I experience. I have the power to stay present and consciously shift it, no one can take that away from me. We may be under the illusion that we don’t create our worlds because it seems as if the third density doesn’t bend to our wishes. Anything is possible but I have learned to pay close attention to how my reality subtly shifts and to unconditionally love it. There may be no “truth” out there and whatever is effective for you can be yours if you need one. If your world is no longer serving you, shift your perspective. Your perspective is that powerful because your energy flows where/on what you place your attention. Finally, the world is full of infinite possibilities. You have infinite potential within you, everything is possible.

with unconditional love and space, katie

P.s. I wrote this letter to my friend which may provide more a grounded explanation as to what I felt during the meditation. We were sorting through some confusing things in our lives so I was processing it with her. Thus, it is more personal than polished. It includes some tarot and astrology because am currently exploring their role in my life. It is an exploration, I am by no means an expert 🙂 .

Her original question was “what tarot cards are you transiting through?”, this was my response (before the download that is this post):

Right now I am in some combination of temperance, the devil, the moon and judgement. I went through some pretty massive shifts over the past several months that really changed my perception about how I am basically going to live my life (!) which was why I included that note about Source/Spirit/God/The Universe/Consciousness (I am not attached to any name, I use them interchangeably). I am working with integrating my relationship with Spirit into my life (temperance) which has brought some old spirals of behavior back (devil), just a little contraction to balance out what was a huge expansion for me. Recently I have found that after that big shift I have no idea what my life will look like now because I feel deeply different now so every day is much more different and unknown than I could have ever imagined (moon). Hopefully I can explain this next part somewhat smoothly: the last life-changing thing I experienced was this ‘connection to spirits’ meditation I did with a shaman. He was incredible and the experience itself was eye-opening but I realized afterwards that I had been ignoring my Pisces moon for a long time because it didn’t fit in with the way that I intended to live my life or what I saw for myself in the future. The meditation showed me that I had been ignoring so many parts of myself and how happy, natural and seen I felt when I just gave myself space to be who I was. Shaman Durek (his podcast changed my life, it is called Ancient Wisdom Today if you want to check it out) talks a lot about how everything exists whether it seems possible or impossible because we live in a world of infinity. The basis of the ‘connection to spirits’ meditation was that all of these wonderful things in our world exist but we need to open up, release control, drop judgement in order to put our attention on them and receive what they have today. I can’t remember what Lindsay’s interpretation of judgement is because I haven’t visited it since week two and I think I may have different thoughts on that card. Judgement to me is about infinite possibilities and realizing that there is no separation (somewhat like Pisces energy, which is why I was thinking about it) and that everything you see, experience, don’t see, etc. is You. I believe she said that anything you judge within someone else begins with what you judge within yourself and I agree because I feel that at the end of the day we are all Source. So judgement was coming up for me because that is how I naturally feel about the world (that we are all connected, Pisces moon) and I shoved that down for so long because I realized my life wasn’t in alignment with my beliefs but I was very scared to change my life accordingly. So that’s my interesting combo of temperance, devil, moon and judgement because I feel like I am experiencing them all right now as I explore my relationship with myself and the unseen.

One thought on “the feeling

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: