russian doll

Has anyone else ever questioned where the idea of “bettering” ourselves comes from? I didn’t for awhile because I thought that “bettering” yourself was a natural part of evolution and that there could be no harm in wanting to be a better person than you already are. It took me awhile to realize that this concept was causing undue stress and anxiety in my life.

When I really began my journey of getting to know who I really was, I was obsessed with reading every “spiritual” book under the sun. I devoured them hoping that I would absorb all of their secrets and that I would be my “best” self some day. Maybe in a couple of years, maybe in twenty two years or maybe when I was ninety one. Either way, there was an endgame and I always wondered what I would be like when I was my “best” self in the same way kids imagine what they will look like on their wedding day or what they will be when they grow up.

This became detrimental after awhile. If there was ever a mistake I made I would look back at it and say, ” I am ‘spiritual’ and I read all of these books on how to digest life, I should have known better” or, “I could have handled that so much better because I am ‘spiritual’ so I should have tapped into my higher self’ and known exactly what to do and how to react”. I am not talking about a healthy sense of regret regarding a situation where someone may have been quick to anger or said something that they wish they could take back. This was unhealthy because I was reevaluating every situation in my life as if someone was keeping score as to how “evolved” I was (???). Mind you, we all have access to God/Source/Spirit a.k.a the infinite source of knowledge and wisdom of everything that Is within us. Whether you are five, thirty four or seventy nine in earth years that potential and wealth never changes. However, I was about twenty in earth years and at that point I didn’t realize that there was a different and twenty-year-olds certainly don’t know everything about everything. If you make a mistake and you are a twenty-something, it doesn’t mean you aren’t “evolved” enough it just means that you’re a twenty-something.

I was always looking to the future. I was waiting for that “aha” moment when I would supposedly realize that I had this “life thing” figured out (from a “spiritual perspective” at least). I put so much pressure on myself every day to be “better” and blamed myself when I didn’t know something I felt I should have which was also kind of weird. Let’s say you are about fourteen and you are going to learn geometry for the first time. This was like my fifteen-year-old-self getting upset with my fourteen-year-old-self for not having those solid geometry skills when as a fourteen-year-old even though the fourteen-year-old-self had to go to class and learn geometry so my fifteen-year-old-self could use that knowledge later. When? I am still waiting. I was looking at my past-self like it was an idiot for not knowing what my present-self knew and of course at some point (with linear time) my present-self would become my past-self and my future-self was ideal until it became my past-self. Long story short: I was never happy with any of them and it was due to this concept of linear evolution. If there is always a “better” You down the line, how can you ever be happy with your Present?

Then I became conscious of quantum evolution. At this point, I am unsure if that was a download I received or if I heard it somewhere else but on some level we are all connected to Universal Consciousness so it doesn’t “belong” to anyone in the way we are used to. Quantum evolution is different in that instead of evolving on a straight line we evolve outward in a connected and unpredictable (from our perspective) manner. This may make more sense in your heart if you believe in Source/God/Spirit but even if you don’t it can still be for you. The concept of quantum evolution is somewhat based on these ideas (maybe there will be more):

  1. Everything has Consciousness and is Spirit. Thus, you have the ability to see an aspect of Spirit (yourself) in every Being.
  2. We are constantly manifesting/creating/choosing, integrating, and living in different streams and understandings of consciousness.
  3. Every Infinite Possibility (including Unmanifested) Exists.
  4. There is no endgame because there is no linearity.

Now I will reframe the geometry example from a quantum perspective. Both my fourteen-year-old-self and my fifteen-year-old-self are Source. My fourteen-year-old-self and fifteen-year-old-self had different quantum experiences and integrated different understandings of consciousness. My fourteen-year-old-self and fifteen-year-old-self may seem different but they just have had different experiences and my fifteen-year-old-self integrated the knowledge from my fourteen-year-old-self and vice versa. Since everything has Consciousness we have the ability to tap into any one of the Infinite Possibilities e.g. I can tap into my sister’s Consciousness or the Consciousness of my orchid, cactus quartz crystal, best friend and anything/anyone else that exists. We have linear time from a human perspective. Spirit (from my understanding) is not bound by/ does not experience time. I may have been talking about my fourteen-year-old-self and fifteen-year-old-self but I have infinite-selves. Everything that you can and cannot see has infinite-selves and Spirit is what connects us all. Spirit is energy that evolves as a connected system through our third dimensional existence (our POV). You are experiencing one version of you at a time but every single possibility for you exists somewhere (i.e. through infinite parallel timelines, the “many worlds” theory). You have the ability to access all of that knowledge from those infinite possibilities. All of those possible expressions of you are experiencing different aspects of the full spectrum of the human experience. There is no “better” or “worse” version, just different versions. My fourteen-year-old-self is just experiencing a different world, understandings of Consciousness (people, places, tastes, emotions) without geometry than my fifteen-year-old-self who experiences different streams of Consciousness with geometry. If you took “time” out of it and gave them names, my fourteen-year-old-self is Jamie and my fifteen-year-old-self is Caroline, then Jamie has just had different experiences than Caroline. Yes some may argue that Caroline is smarter than Jamie because she knows geometry and Jamie doesn’t. What if Caroline was someone who knew about Russian literature and Jamie was someone who knew everything to do with acupuncture? Is one smarter than the other? How do you even compare? We come from such a comparison driven world that I compared myself to other versions of my self for a long time.

We have human bodies so we are here to experience a part of the full spectrum of the human experience. Through all of us collectively, Spirit experiences the full spectrum. We all experience different aspects of the spectrum of the human experience to varying degrees at our lives. When you put all of us together like a multidimensional puzzle, we have the full spectrum. That includes every possible version of myself, yourself, my orchid, your lilies, the rivers, the trees, all of the crystals out there, all of the plants, animals, etc.. Spirit is within everything with Consciousness. We have the unique opportunity to experience one another experiencing ourselves.

I understand the concept of “bettering” yourself and linear evolution. There is nothing wrong with it. I prefer quantum evolution at the moment because for me, linear evolution is missing the teamwork aspect. We are all connected and evolving together with quantum evolution. Every experience you have along with every version of yourself that you experience matters and none are “better” or “worse”. This is not to discourage you from learning different things. Think of life as an exploration of different vibrations instead of “better” or “worse” ones. God/Source/Spirit only sees/is Love. From the perspective of All That Is, there is no comparison. If you practice aligning with that perspective it may make more sense. The mind may think it’s insane (mine does something) but the heart understands.

Here is another example: the inner child. I feel as if this term is so mainstream now but that’s good because it can be so integral to our growth. We all have an inner child within us that contains everything we have experienced as a kid such as wants, desires, traumas, programming, etc.. It can be useful to connect to our inner child in order to learn about what we need emotionally. That inner child is a quantum version/expression of our “present” self. Sometimes it may even come out and take the steering wheel! It can remind us of what we loved to do as children. I loved writing, journaling and playing make-believe, especially with my sister. To bring the inner child out of me and enjoy the experience of pure love, I go back to writing and journaling. Elizabeth* and I don’t play make-believe anymore. It is so incredible to connect with your inner child. It is also an inexplicable experience to connect with the inner child of others.

This is a love letter to all of my fellow perfectionists (or anyone experiencing perfectionism, depending on your perspective) out there. No version of you is “smarter” or “less than” compared to another because without time comparison doesn’t exist in that way. We all do the best that we can with the streams/understandings of consciousness /information that surround us at any given point in time and space. In other words, we do our best with the people, information, experiments etc. that are presented to us in every moment. If you want to take it one more step towards the “woo-woo” end, every single person you see that doesn’t look like you or seems separate than you, from the POV of Spirit, is another quantum expression of you you are being invited to love. If you are Source, then that cow over there is also Source in a different form.

It was incredibly freeing for me to know that I am experiencing what I am meant to experience in conjunction with the collective and we all do it together. You have the ability to see yourself within everyone else. That can be via seeing that we are all living beings, seeing someone who has gone through a similar situation, or as Spirit. Whatever feels great for you is perfect.

with unconditional love and space, katie

*name has been changed

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