cw: sexual assault briefly mentioned
Last night Joseph* and I were having one of our weekly conversations and it took a different turn when he said that he wanted to talk about something that was bothering him. About a year ago, one his his really good friends, Mark* slept with his ex-girlfriend. Joseph told me how he was disappointed in Mark for a number of reasons and the main one being that he expected Mark to be a better friend than that. This situation is not new. In fact it seems to be pretty cliché by now that the expectation is when your friend and ex-girlfriend get together you have the right to be upset.
I was there for the whole situation and after Mark was done voicing his frustrations, which absolutely make sense, I asked him: what do they owe you?
Of course, Joseph answered that they owed him “nothing”. I asked him again. He had the same answer, again so I asked him why it was that he had any emotional attachments to this past situation if he knows that no one owes him anything. After digging around, we found that he knew it consciously but not subconsciously.
When we feel that someone owes us something, I am not talking about the twenty bucks they may have borrowed for coffee (I hope it never gets that expensive). I am talking about the expectations that we set for people without even telling them. I am not exempt from this. I had some very high expectations for my parents that came crumbling down after I saw how they treated one another during their long and difficult divorce. It was only afterwards that I had the earth-shattering realization that they were just people. Beforehand, they were my parents who could do no wrong, had this whole “life” thing figured out, and were the perfect role models I desired to be some day. I put them on the highest pedestal possible and was so distraught when it came crashing down in so many ways. This was my first lesson about expectations. It really sunk in when I was sexually assaulted the second time. Yes, getting rid of all expectations can be that hard but hopefully not for everyone.
As of right now, I believe that everything we believe about other people is reflected in our beliefs about ourselves, our parents and the Universe/Spirit/God. For example, if we believe we deserve unconditional love, so do other people, our parents, and God. I included parents in there because they shape us so deeply during our formative years so it is one of the key relationships we have, if we were to break it down into only four areas/reflections. When it comes to expectations, if Joseph has expectations for Mark then he has expectations for himself, his parents, and for God as well. We have talked about this before so this isn’t just a large assumption. Where Joseph is running into difficulty, as I have before, is that you may hold these great expectations and moral standards for yourself and that is okay. However, why do you expect that your parents, other people and the Universe conform to these expectations? It is a very self-centered view of the world (not in a negative way). I can possibly understand his parents because they have been a great influence in Joseph’s life for a long time. Even if your parents aren’t physically present, they can still have a profound impact on you. Mark was Joseph’s good friend, but Mark is an infinitely complex Being and even though we think we know someone through and through, that doesn’t change the fact that they still have so many intricacies that are layered within them that you may not have the opportunity to know. Joseph expected that because he knew Mark that he knew how Mark would behave in any given situation. This expectation is another form of control.
We like to think that we know how people work and that there is some order to the world we live in. Then when we hear about someone who doesn’t share the same beliefs/wiring that we do e.g. maybe someone with borderline personality disorder we get a glimpse into how people can be radically unpredictable. Then we shrug it off because that doesn’t seem to be the grand majority. We never really know how people will behave because even if you think you know them very well, they may not even know themselves very well. So many people don’t understand half the sh*t that they do and where it is rooted.
When I say control I don’t mean that Joseph could have literally controlled Mark in a third dimensional/physical sense. It is more like the illusion of control Joseph expected he would have in a situation like this. For instance, if Mark was offered the opportunity to sleep with Joseph’s ex girlfriend then he wouldn’t take it because Mark, according to Joseph, operates by Joseph’s expectations and values. Thus, Joseph doesn’t even have to worry about such a thing. Except Joseph’s ex doesn’t owe him anything because they are not together and Mark is not in a committed relationship with Joseph. Even if he were, he wouldn’t have to conform to Joseph’s expectations. Yes, I have heard of the “bro code” and “you just don’t do that to a person” and all of those other ways to try and control people. Those really don’t get us anywhere because they operate under the illusion that everyone thinks/should think the way we do and would do the same thing we would in any given situation. How many times has that really worked out? There was a time when I expected to never have to deal with my parents constantly at each others’ necks or sexual assault. By the way, I knew both of those people and expected to be totally “safe” because at the time I thought that there was no way my friends could ever do that to me. That would be crazy, right?
I am not writing this from a jaded perspective or saying that you should never trust anyone ever again. There is a way to trust them without having expectation. We live in a chaotic world where I actually believe that the pieces all fall together in a multidimensional way. However, some of those ways are unknown to us. If I were never sexually assaulted, I wouldn’t be person I am today which is worlds apart the person I was before and I love them both. I am very happy to be in this current expression of myself who has had the potential to take my experience and use it to help so many other people. Experiencing it gave me the unique opportunity to truly empathize and understand with so many people in ways that I could have never imagined. That is only one way that I have discovered that it all fits together. This also doesn’t mean to “spiritually bypass” anything and say it all “happened for a higher purpose”. It took me a lot of engagement with myself to arrive at this space. One of those “unseen” ways is that every Being that you see is co-creating this experience with you from a space of unconditional love on a soul-level. In other words, from a linear perspective before your soul came here it made agreements with other souls to provide you with certain experiences to help your soul evolve and grow. That agreement was made from a place of love between those souls. It may not seem that way from a third dimensional/earthly perspective (because when is violating someone ever from a space of love?) but the two can exist simultaneously. From a quantum perspective, you are always operating on a quantum, multidimensional level where you are constantly making agreements with other souls (co-creating this experience with the Universe) in other dimensions simultaneously to create this multidimensional experience that you only perceive limited aspects of and that never begins/ends. It always Is.
Just like Mark doesn’t owe Joseph anything, the Universe didn’t owe me anything. Anything can happen at any time. Just because you may have expectations for yourself doesn’t mean that your parents, friends or Source operates by your rules. Every person you meet is a unique, infinite, surprise. Do not take that way from them and limit them because you would like to think that you can predict and control what they do. It is the same thing regarding the Universe. There are infinite possibilities you can experience in your lifetime with Spirit. Don’t limit them through your expectations of how things “should” look or what you think you “should” experience to become you person you “should” be. You may be limiting yourself from all of the unknown unknowns (things you didn’t know you didn’t know) that you have the potential to experience. People and and life are so hard to figure out and that could be because we aren’t meant to! We may not be meant to put anything or anyone into a box! Bask in the confusion of another person or situation. Let yourself, other people, your parents and the Universe show up the way they are meant to. They will definitely (!) surprise you 🙂
with unconditional love and space, katie
*name has been changed