what are you?

Who else has been going through some major changes lately? Whether you align with the new year and that we are a couple months into 2019, the end of Aries season/ beginning of Taurus season, spring time, end of April/ headed towards beginning of May or some other mark of new beginnings that I haven’t mentioned here (all are honored and respected) it just seems as if everyone is experiencing a huge shift whether it is internal or external.

Mine has been largely internal. The past month or so I have had a huge identity crisis (surprise, you don’t need to wait until you are halfway through your life for that) and sometimes when I go through something huge like that I just feel paralyzed. It may sound extreme but it was as if I didn’t know how to be “me” since I didn’t actually know who “me” actually was. Lucky for me right now I am surrounded by friends and family who have known me for a long time (friends since at least middle school, family forever) and no matter what chaos is going on inside my head they embrace me with open arms. However, this has caused some anxiety in some areas with regards to what I want to do next in my life and how to really figure that out in the midst of an identity crisis. I have considered moving back to San Francisco, giving Hawai’i a try, pondering Arizona, saying f*ck this to everything and moving to Bali or just changing everything up and going back to Australia or somewhere like Singapore. Too many choices can also cause paralysis. I didn’t even know how to write (outside of my journal, my wonderful processing tool) because I didn’t want to publish anything that wasn’t authentic. That, and I am also a perfectionist sometimes.

As I was mulling over my existence a couple of days ago in a tea room in New York, I realized that it wasn’t about figuring out who I was exactly but letting go of everything I thought I needed to be.

Oh and I mean everything.

My journey of self-discovery really began when I was twenty. At that time I “discovered” (?) astrology, numerology and tarot. I was like a sponge soaking up all of the information because it piqued my interest. I was trying to figure out who I was beyond everything my parents had taught me and what I saw in myself on a shallow level. I wanted to go deeper and they were very useful tools in doing so. Everyone has their own opinions on things that are more esoteric. Some live their lives by them and others believe they are mumbo jumbo. I believe there is space for everything so whatever you love, run with it and don’t let anyone take that power away from you.

It really started with astrology. I was most interested in birth charts at the time because I thought it was amazing and mysterious that the positioning of the planets in the sky when you were born can tell you so much about yourself. A lot of it seemed accurate and I was looking to learn more about myself in different ways than I had before. I was also happy that finally something was telling me more about myself because I didn’t have a damn clue.

I also loved tarot as a mirror to learn more about myself through deep inquiry. I know there are people out there that use it in more of a psychic way to tell you about your future. Neither way is more valid I just enjoy using it as a way to think outside of the box when I am journaling. Actually, Lindsay Mack is a profound resource if you want to learn more about this. Tarot is a powerful, spiritual tool you can use in a very grounded, soul-centered way versus in a predictive way if you don’t feel called to that.

I began learning about what I really loved incorporating into my life after dipping a toe into a bunch of different philosophies. Those were the three that were my favorite and provided me with the most growth. However, I still felt like I couldn’t pin point who I was. After learning about my birth chart (Leo!), my numerology chart/ life path number (8!) and deepening my journaling practice with tarot, I still felt like I had none of the answers that I really wanted.

All three of those systems helped me to nail down who I was. In the tea house I realized it was about letting go of needing to know who I am.

Turns out, this is a theme in the Stars right now:

The Full-Moon Sun sits at the end of Aries (Raw Creativity), along with Uranus (Soul) in early Taurus (having to make our Creativity Pay Off).  That can be a lot less Fun than just Playing.  However, it’s not about “Paying Off” Materially, it’s about Paying Off in terms of Learning to Accept Who We Really Are.  While that will likely require Letting Go of Who We Thought We Were, the Rewards will be Immense. 

(full post here: https://astrobuss.wordpress.com/2019/04/18/dark-days-1/ )

To me, this sounded crazy because I had spent years trying to figure this out. There are so many other systems/ schools of thought I explored that are not mentioned here. I put so much time and effort into getting to know myself. To explain this, I am going to split off into a more grounded perspective versus a more spiritual perspective and you can take or leave whatever is meaningful to you.

Grounded perspective: Letting go of whomever I thought I needed to be included letting go of everything I thought I needed to accomplish in this lifetime in order to be happy and worthy of love and happiness. That includes: having the “right” job (whatever that means), nuclear family (still very much want kids, it’s the checking in that is important), money, houses, living in the perfect location, expressing myself a certain way, looking a certain way, etc.. You can fill in your own blanks. Ask your own questions. Question everything in your life. Question everything on society’s checklist that may or may not make you happy and is “supposed” to. It might. Having a family is very important to me. What is important is checking in with yourself to see if that is true for you.

Do you need to have that specific job to be a valid human being deserving of love and worthiness?

Do you need to have a nuclear family with the white Pickett fence in order to be happy?

Does your body really need to look that way in order for you to deserve love and attention, including your own? Or is that just the media? (Hmmmm…)

I am aware that these seem like simple and over-asked questions. It took myself asking them over and over again to really feel the magic and liberation when I heard my answer.

You are worth all of the love in the world with or without these things. Having or not having these things or anything for that matter will not change your worth. Your worth is stable and everlasting no matter what. By the way, this wasn’t an easy conclusion to come to. I spent a long time alone without a lot of these things because I needed to learn I was worthy without them. One day when I thought I had had enough of “learning”, it dawned on me that without all of these things that I thought were so important, I am talking make-or-break, life-or-death, that I was still here. It sounds incredibly simple, but I spent so much time believing that these external things (could be anything for you) were what validated and affirmed my life! Then I had the epiphany that I still very much exist with or without them. I am valid with or without them. I am an amazing, abundant person with or without them. For example, I had a life before my first boyfriend, I had a wonderful life and time with him, and I have a wonderful and valid life without him as my boyfriend (still my best friend). Partnership is one of those things society makes us believe we are less of a person if we don’t have it. Then we begin to identify with our relationships and think we are nothing without them. That doesn’t need to be true for you or anyone else. I am still here without a romantic relationship and it is something I experience. I am still me with or without it and it will never determine whether I deserve love or not (we are all Love).

Spiritual perspective: This is for anyone who believes in Source/Spirit/God/Universe/Presence/Consciousness/Being/Love/Divine/Etc.. I use them interchangeably. For me, letting go of whomever I thought I needed to be was about all of the things above AND also letting go of needing to identify with ego/third dimensional embodiment/body/mind/etc.. That was a tough one. That one is ongoing. In that tea house it dawned on me that I had been so focused the past couple of years in figuring out who I was that I was doing myself a major disservice and I didn’t even realize it. I was thinking along the line without realizing I was still thinking inside a box. By putting on labels such as “woman”, “man”, “straight”, “cis”, “Leo”, “moon in Aquarius”, “life path three”, “wife”, “son”, “likes cheesesteak”, “vegan”, etc. and identifying with those labels you are limiting yourself from your vastness. This shift is evident on a third dimensional level where more people are open to the idea of identifying as “gender fluid”. I heard an amazing podcast episode about trauma the other day and it was about not identifying with trauma, but how you experience trauma. It is a subtle shift but that makes a huge difference. I am a trauma survivor. When I really heard what he said it sounded incredible but scary. For anyone who has not experienced trauma, you go through so many phases with it. I denied it for a long time because I didn’t want that to be who I was. Even when I accepted it it was still hard because I didn’t want to lose myself and I wasn’t open to being a different person. I was really scared of admitting how much it changed me and accepting that I was simply a different person after. Then I realized that it was okay to be different than I was before. It wasn’t until way later that I even considered myself a “trauma survivor”. Now this strange (brilliant) man on this podcast was inviting me and so many other people to let that identity go. It took me a long time to embrace that identity in helping to support/share my experiences with others! It was so scary because I finally learned how to be a trauma survivor and trauma does radically shift your life. I had no idea how to release that as a part of my identity.

It is the same thing with ego. I have spent a couple decades being human. I know how to be human. I know how to live my life identifying as human. I have no idea how to live my life identifying as Spirit. I have heard the phrase “you are a spiritual being having a human experience” more times than I can count and I believe it. It made sense to me and aligned with my core beliefs. When I was in the tea house and over the past week were the first times I considered embodying it.

How do you live not identifying as human/with ego? How do you make decisions? This is where the paralysis kicked in. When you identify as human/with ego, we have a formula to live life. You grow up, go to school, graduate, gets job, family, etc. the whole nine yards. That’s one of our basic formulas (there are so many depending on your environment, thoughts, spheres of influence that are to intricate to get into right now). I was so resistant to this idea of aligning with Source because it seemed like I had to give up this formula which was very uncomfortable. I didn’t want to not know how to life my life (control freak (sometimes) over here!). That formula guided me for the majority of my life. It seemed to have not steered me “wrong” before, so why give it up? The issue was it had been steering me away from my truth and I just never noticed. It’s not like I haven’t been happy the majority of my life with some peaks and valleys sprinkled in. I just never felt like I really understood what everything was so I was always searching for something else. I still don’t. I’m pretty sure no one does. However, there is this sense of peace I feel when I get a glimpse of releasing everything I thought I needed to be and everything I thought I needed to be right about. It is very liberating because it just frees you up for all kinds of experiences. When I decided that aligning with Spirit was my intention… I cannot even fully describe the feeling and do it justice, it is very incredible. It was a like a weight was lifted off my shoulders in the most deep and loving way. I don’t need to be anything. I don’t need to be right about anything. I also don’t need to resist anything. There are so many experiences where at the time I would have rather not had to have dealt with them. That resistance came from fear and expectation that my life “should” be a certain way. I never expected to have any form of trauma in my life. Now I feel as if since life is full of infinite possibilities, I am free to experience any and all of them. I greet them with love instead of resistance and fear because there are no more expectations as to who I am, who I “should” be, what I “should” experience. Not only that, aligning with Spirit has shifted me into a new space of profound empathy by allowing me to see myself in everyone and everything. It blows my mind when I think about how I (Spirit) am experiencing someone else (Spirit), experiencing me (Spirit), and that other person is also Spirit. Confused? It may make no sense to the mind but try and feel it.

That is why I finally feel good to write this post. We change all of the time. There are things I wrote about a year ago that no longer feel like “me”. My perfectionism sense kicked in the past couple of months because I didn’t want to write anything I couldn’t stand by forever. I am laughing at myself now as I write this. That’s ridiculous! If there is one thing you were to take away from this post is give yourself that unapologetic permission, fluidity and flexibility to realize we all change and you don’t even need to agree with the version of you that thought that thing ten months ago. Now I feel as if whatever I experience/ passes through my Being was meant for me to experience. If I feel inclined to share then great! The shift in perspective is this: before I thought that whatever I wrote came from a “past” version of me and I may not believe the same things that I wrote way back when, which was problematic because I always strive to be as authentic as possible; now I realize that I am experiencing all of these quantum versions of that I do not need to identify with, so no matter what I write in the past/present/future, I am writing about experiencing a version of me. None of those versions are “good/bad”, “smarter/dumber” or whatever. I used to have a habit of believing that the “me” that wrote something a couple months ago was “less informed” or even “less than” the current version of me. That is simply where I was in my energetic evolution/spiritual journey/ etc. and I needed that version to experience what I am experiencing now. These versions just know different things. They are just different and those experiences/versions of me hold different forms of information to express. Whatever I experience was meant for me to experience. Even as free as “spirituality” is, sometimes it can promote a “linear” evolution instead of a “quantum” evolution. Right now the idea of quantum evolution makes way more sense to me. All that means is that we don’t evolve in a straight line. We evolve as a connected system a.k.a The Universe altogether. Every single quantum (past/present/future/every possibility) version of yourself is co creating an experience in order to experience, embody, and integrate different streams of consciousness. I will write more about this later. The key takeaway is that every version of you is just an opportunity to learn something different. No version is “lesser” or “greater” than the other.

Back down to Earth. Does this mean I am going to let go of all of my earthly tethers, f*uck off to Bali, never pay a bill or eat a hamburger again? Absolutely not. It’s all about balance. I may be shifting to aligning with Spirit but that doesn’t mean I need to live in the clouds and ignore this human experience. There are way too many beautiful experiences to be present for. By the way, the ego/mind/body isn’t bad. It allows us to navigate this earthly/third dimensional experience. A healthy combination of ego/fear is what keeps us from sticking our hands in the frying pan or having a healthy skepticism about bungee jumping. It is a powerful tool but I am shifting into a space where I don’t want it to run my life. That is a personal and private choice that you don’t need to share with everyone. I am sharing because I love writing and I know some people who are going through the same thing. What I identify with may have shifted… and who knows, I may even shift back! I do believe that if you are here you are meant to be experiencing exactly what you are experiencing in this very moment. Like my trauma, I see my ego/mind as an experience and not an identity. Simple as that ;).

with unconditional love and space, katie

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