This one is a bit more personal and I haven’t written in awhile because I was just going through another shift.
Ever since I moved to California I have had so much time to myself which I love. I’ve been here before but only for about two months which really wasn’t enough time for one of my favorite places in the world (tied with Australia and New Zealand). I was crazy excited to move here and explore the Bay Area. I am and introvert and the kind of person that thrives when they are alone because I just learn so much about myself. I have noticed that nearly every summer there is some sort of “coincidence” that I have a couple months to just rediscover and deepen my relationship with myself.
Usually that is fantastic. After being surrounded by so many people all the time, especially in college the last four years it can be nice to have a drastic change in pace. However, with all of the reading, hiking, running, meditating and shifting at the same time… for some reason everyone thinks that going through some sort of transformation is all rainbows, light and love or whatever. It’s not all the time. It has been a lot of me questioning myself, who I am, what I believe in, whether I am actually going insane… all of that cliché stuff. The main thing that had been driving me crazy the past couple of weeks especially is just what is going on in the world? What kind of world do we live in? Is there some order to this chaos? Is it all order? Is it all chaos? I have asked these questions before and everyone has or does at some point. But for some reason I just had some extra desire to know what was going on. I knew I believed in something just because I don’t think the world is as simple as it can appear to be at a first glance (what I didn’t realize until after writing this was that that right there is enough to believe in, whether it has a special name or not).
I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day. We were talking about my sister who is kinda figuring out how to be on her own for the first time and my mom said something along the lines of “I’ll pray for her”. My family was never overly religious so I asked my mom if she meant it and she said that of course she meant it. She just knew there was this greater force out there because this, or what we see, just isn’t it. That is what I had been wonderful for the past couple weeks: how do people just know in their hearts their truth about what all of this is?
For some reason what my mom said about the greater force really resonated with me. No matter what you or I may call that larger force e.g. Source, God, the Universe, Spirit, Love… etc. I one thousand percent believe that it is out there. The fact that we are even here is some sort of beautiful miracle that I or no one else I know had control of. So what did? With that, we are all witnessing beautiful miracles every single day whenever we pass someone on the street, see something beautiful in nature…. My mom works in a hospital so she sees babies being born or miracles every single day, but it isn’t just that. It is everything around us, everything we see, touch, smell, taste, hear and whatever other senses you may have. I think where I was going insane was I was trying to conceive how everything or that would work in my mind when it is just beyond comprehension. But hey, some things are just not meant to be understood and that was what I needed to make peace with.
It sounds incredibly cheesy but if you can kind of take the point of view of the soul or eternity instead of getting caught up with the details of your life and your life only (which I know I do sometimes) it’s just kinda crazy that we are all even here. That is always something to be appreciative of. We don’t necessarily need to know what we are doing here, how we are here, how many lives we have had, how many lives we have left, what the soul is, what controls everything, what everything means, [insert any and all of your existential questions here], etc. We may never get those concrete “answers” that we want. There are so many different “truths” out there and so many people are fighting over which one is “right” or are so insistent that their “truth” is the only way to live. Whatever works for you right now, rock with it. My “truth”… I don’t even call it that because it changes all the time. Sometimes for fun I try and write down how I view the world because it is so interesting to see how it changes all the time. That’s fine too. You create one hundred percent of the reality you live in. However you want to create that is up to you. At the end of the day we are all here and I think it is quite beautiful how we all have different ways of making sense of the miracle we live in.
with love, katie