This post is a bit more personal since I have been going through some huge shifts lately. There was a moment when I was at lunch the other day with my family and when I went into the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought to myself “who am I, what am I doing here?”. This is such a natural question to ask and is one I have asked before but this time I had a feeling that I couldn’t shake that the world just wasn’t what it seemed anymore.
After that day it went away but then yesterday I was on the beach and the feeling came back that nothing was exactly what it seemed and that there was much more to life than the way I was living it. It was like some lightbulb went off and I just felt an overwhelming sense of love for myself, everyone I saw, and the world I was in.
When I was younger I never felt safe unless I was in total control of everything. For me that meant knowing what was going to happen in my life, relationships… I never wanted to leave anything up to chance. But this also lead to excessive worrying and living out of fear. I was afraid of not having full control and not knowing what would happen all the time. I only felt safe when I knew the likely outcome of a certain situation or felt like there was nothing I couldn’t handle should something unpleasant happen. Something I have wanted to experience was feeling safe and supported without having control or knowing exactly what was going to happen in life. I envied everyone who talked about ‘surrendering’ because I didn’t understand how this was possible. How could it be possible to be without fear if you had no idea about what would happen?
This feeling I got in the beach was about acknowledging that I don’t have all the answers. I may never have all of the answers as to what life is about, what I am doing here and who I am but that should never prevent me from fully enjoying and loving my life and everything that I am experiencing. The most amazing part: I finally felt okay.
I titled this post “new dimension” because that is the only way I could think of to describe this experience. It was as if I had no choice but to just let go because I could never plan out every aspect of my life. This feeling or need to control would just keep coming back unless I learned to let go. This complex but wonderful feeling only started a couple days ago. But I can’t even remember what I was like before then or what I used to think about or how I would feel about life. It is like I am living in the same exact world but with a newfound sense of calm, acceptance, peace and love that is always there. I have done so much spiritual and self discovery work over the past couple of years. It has been a lot of discovering who I am, what I want, what I believe, etc. I was able to discover what I did and did not resonate with regarding my overall beliefs about the world. I was easily able to so “oh I believe this” or “this makes the most sense to me” but I have never felt it before so intensely. It was a feeling like, no matter what I do I am safe and I am loved.
Something else I wanted to experience that other people have described to me before was living in the moment and looking at the world kind of through a child’s eyes. A child looks at the world though a sense of love and wonder. A child is not fearful of everything that is to come (I still like my healthy sense of fear and skepticism to prevent myself from jumping off a dangerous cliff– it just no longer runs my life). But now that I just feel safe, I feel as if there is nothing to fear anymore. There is no reason why I can’t just enjoy my life and be present. There is nothing to worry about. This feeling of safety could be described in a variety of ways depending on what you believe in. If you believe in God then it could mean God protects you. If you believe in the Universe, Source, or Spirit it could mean that you are always seen and the Universe will take care of you and give you what you need.
This feeling has also provided me a newfound sense that the world is full of infinite possibilities and has expanded my experience with manifestation. Manifestation is such a vast topic and I am by no means a master of manifestation nor do I know all of the nuances so this will be brief. However, this feeling that the world is so huge and there is so much to explore also helped me to feel that I have far more power over how I create my own reality. I have been doing a lot of solar plexus chakra work so that is probably why inner power is on my mind. But I just felt yesterday for the first time that I really created my entire reality and I could manifest anything I wanted. Since the universe is full of infinite possibilities, then beyond the sky is the limit. So I played around with it. I was driving to one of my favorite restaurants that was on a main, busy street in my very small town and usually there is no parking, especially right in front of that restaurant. On my way over to pick up my lunch I was thinking about where I was possibly going to park and then I said to myself “I am going to manifest an open space right in front of the restaurant, even if it means someone comes out and has to free up a space”. That is exactly what happened. It may seem like a coincidence but there had been countless signs, symbols and “coincidences” like that all week.
Long story short: I heard someone say the other day that life is very short. Whether you believe there are many lifetimes or in the afterlife you have a limited time in this body and in this experience. This new feeling of safety, support, and love has empowered me to live out of of love and acceptance instead of fear. I cannot explain how much I am in love with every aspect of life now and my entire view has changed. It is something to love, cherish and fully enjoy while you are able to. There is nothing to fear. You are a powerful being. You are always loved and seen.
with love, katie